And At What Pace Would You Like Your Handjob Sir?

Let's Do This Thing!

2011-12-10T09:59:00.000-08:00

The holidays are here! Tons to do. I have been working full time and am pet sitting until mid January. Plus those holiday parties creep up and I am baking for one. Sometimes I feel like I can't do it all. And then? I go to my trusted friend, 5 hour energy! Not to sound like that asshole on the commercial (has anyone else noticed that he does not own any furniture?) No matter how tired you are, this will get you through grocery shopping or any other mundane but necessary task when you feel like you are running on empty.

Unlike speed or redline this gives you energy without some awful crash. It just sort of wears off. Lately I feel like I have been relying on it. The man at Arco always raises an eyebrow when I throw 5 on the counter (not for all at once, but to stock up). One day he asked me why I do not try the "extra strength." I told him that was too hard core and he said "yes, you shake more with that one"

I grew up in an era where they handed out "no doz" with the phone books in college. I am pretty sure that has been banned but since, I have loved the high of the extra energy. You can do everything! It did lead to a small drug problem but I quickly nipped that a year or so later. Happy holidays! I took one this morning and have already dyed my hair, done a face mask and done some light cleaning all why dancing to "Sexy and I know it". Such a great song

'Tis the Season

2011-11-30T22:29:00.000-08:00

I love the holidays. I love the lights on Santa Monica Blvd and the presence of charity everywhere. When I took out the garbage the other night I saw that a neighbor had left a box of baked goods next to the trash for the homeless wrapped in plastic. My neighbors are pretty out of it so I was surprised and touched.

On the way to my parents for Thanksgiving, a six hour drive, all of these annoying thoughts kept coming. "This drive is going to take forever, etc." When I was almost to the freeway I saw a homeless girl around my age carrying a plastic bag with her belongings down the street. Suddenly I felt very grateful. I was in a car, with a bag of luggage packed in the trunk. I had showered that morning. She had none of these things.

I could not even imagine being homeless. The longest that I have have gone without a shower is 3 days and that was when I was camping and I still managed to jump in a lake and take water fountain sponge baths. Plus, I am so OCD about making sure that my eyebrows are done and my hair does not show one hint of gray. My shower habits are insane. I won't even go to CVS in the morning without taking one.

Over Thanksgiving our family discussed auditioning for the show Survivor. My dad is over 60 and while sick can still water-ski around a lake barefoot. Last year I ran a 10K without any training and have hiked 10 mile trails in Yosemite drinking wine with my dad. We can physically almost do anything. I come from good stock and am lucky. Anyway, my sister and decided we could not do Survivor without our hair treatments, pedicures and eyebrows being done. I am pretty sure this is not offered.

I signed up for a program at work for underprivileged kids getting their Christmas wish. This year I got a 15 year old boy who wants a coat. A coat. That is his wish. It broke my heart. I am going to find the best coat out there but do not know any 15 year old boys and all of my friend's children are below the age of 5. If anyone has any advise on a great jacket that he would love I would love suggestions. I am hitting Macy's next week.

The fact that the kid wants a coat makes me so sad. It really does make you want to stop and take a moment to appreciate the things we take for granted.

Money Doesn't Make the Man

2011-11-29T11:37:00.000-08:00

My mother has always told me that I would have to marry someone that made at least what I do or else it would not work. I’m in the average salary range and pretty comfortable. I have never went after a guy for money and after one of the worst dates of my life this year where the guy wanted to nap before we went to dinner. I found his incessant talk of all of his properties really irritating and by the end was questioning if he was full of it. After receiving the call that he was trying to “find parking for his beamer” I wanted to throw up. We never even made it to dinner because he took a stupid nap on the couch and I watched TV and fell asleep, irritated that I had rushed home to get ready. I woke up horrified that he was still there and told him to leave. Anyway, when a guy brags about money it really is a turn off. This is Los Angeles. Many guys have money. And I am not the type to date someone who will take care of me. In fact I tend to date the opposite. I want a career and work very hard. I get restless if I have nothing to do and have huge dreams.

Anyway, with all of these Christmas commercials where the woman is surprised by the new Lexus in the driveway it got me thinking. When married one day ,it would be nice to be surprised with something nice, like a Chanel bag, but a car is ridiculous. And as of yet my "surprises" have ranged in the categories of those chocolate flowers at the CVS counter,stuffed animals,and keychains that make sex noises. After watching the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, having all of these lavish things and throwing these amazing parties is appealing. But if you have watched this show at all most of these women are not happy. I like Adrienne, she seems the most down to earth and owns a casino, but the rest seem miserable. Her husband is a plastic surgeon so they seem to have an equal relationship. He is not taking care of her and they seem happy. The thought of relying on someone to take care of me is terrifying. What happens if it doesn’t work out? On the other hand, I am also tired of dating guys that have no ambition. I think that my mom does have a point.

I have had a really colorful dating past, but the other night was tested and realized that I have grown up. A past fling/friend/it’s complicated texted me that he loved me and I ignored it. The texts kept coming and started getting more dirty each time so I am pretty sure alcohol was involved. While entertaining, I was driving in fog and they were getting annoying so I just called him and told him that I was seeing someone. The old me would have entertained the thought of inviting him over. But I knew deep down that it was a really bad idea and nipped it quickly. He is not a bad guy at all, and as friends we work, but are in two totally different places. I don’t know what I want, but it is not a relationship and not revisiting a past one that didn’t work out. Dating would be fun but I hardly have the time to even see friends. I don't know. I think I will just sit back and whatever happens, happens.

My Virgin Roommate

2011-11-10T22:27:00.000-08:00

I blame it all on one of my friends. A year ago he called me. He was working in LA a few days a week and asked if he could stay with me and pay "rent" for my lovely sectional. I've known him since high school and always willing to help a friend out I said yes. Months went by and fun was had. He only was here 4 days out the week and I had the extra 3 days to myself. It was easy money. They say if you can "make money while you sleep" it is great. We had a few issues, only minor,and I enjoyed when he was here. The extra money was amazing. I was able to use his "rent" to pay off my credit cards.

Then one day I got the call on the way to work. He was really upset and had been fired. His only option was to take another job elsewhere. He asked if I could keep the house open for him while he tried to find another job here. I did and he couldn't. He found one in Pismo so he left. I was happy for him that he had found another job so fast. I went home the night he had left and the apartment was so empty. I missed him so much already.

After I got over the missing him part, I realized how this "rent" was paying my bills. Should I do it again? Advertise my place and have another roommate? I thought about it for days. I had known him for almost fifteen years and walking around naked was OK. We also watched the same Television shows and would drink wine and laugh. Would I find another him?

I put up an ad on Craigslist. I was very careful and kept revising it. No drugs, no crazy parties, a quiet person with a job, etc. I had many responses. One guy sent a picture. Totally hot. He seemed perfect until I got to the final line "AND I am in the adult film industry" NEXT!

Anther girl responded. I wasn't crazy about the idea of another girl living here. Shared bathroom space, PMS, ISSUES, etc. But she was a comedian so I called her back. Another girl responded. She was in her "mid-twenties" and was a "Hard-working professional" I called the comedian back first. She was my age and I loved that she did stand up. (Something that I have always wanted to try)

Long story short, the stand up girl needed another month so the "hard working professional" was the winner. She came by for the key when I was cleaning the apartment (unannounced- my mother has always taught me that showing up unannounced is very rude- she was supposed to arrive in the morning -which should have been a sign-red flag#1)and I met her in person. She was a tad frumpy but seemed very nice and went on and on about how amazing my place was and how much she would love it here. She had attended some all girls school back east and moved to LA to make it in the entertainment industry (red flag #2) I gave her the key and left for the weekend the next morning.

I came back and she was fully moved in. There she was. There. I was so used to my friend that seeing a stranger sort of took me back. She was typing away on her laptop and we talked and I went to bed. The days passed on. I would go to work and she would still be asleep. I would get home and she would still be there. I was confused. I thought she had a job? It turned out by a "job" that meant working one night a week.

Two weeks went by and she never left the house. I was annoyed. One night I talked to her and she told me that she was a virgin. It was all downhill from there. She was a virgin who had never drank or used drugs. I was shocked. She was in her mid twenties. She kept asking me for sex advise and career advice. So many questions. I dreaded coming home and it became very awkward. One day after she asked if I masturbated I was done. WHAT? I mean it takes a lot to throw me but REALLY? I told her no, I was lazy and rarely did (that is true) and walked away.

Then the emails started when I was at work inquiring about positions at my studio. At first I was willing to help and although the princess had no experience in the workplace I sent her resume to HR. I thought that would be the end of my "help." I told her to sign up with staffing agency's and she bitched about how they had made her take "tests." The girl at the staffing agency was a friend of mine and I was really embarrassed at how i had referred my new "roommate" I explained that they just needed to make sure that she was proficient in software and stormed into my room. I wanted to ring her neck!

LA is such a user town. People find out that you are in entertainment and freak out thinking that you can make them the next Martin Scorsese. It becomes really annoying. I am still climbing the ladder and can hardly just "give" away some job. People are stupid. Anyway, I quickly realized she was a user and the emails kept coming.

I was at work one day and she sent one that brought me the the point of calling her. She asked why, if I had forwarded her resume, had she not been hired and I need to to send her resume again. WHAT? I wrote back that I would not harass HR and to "resend" her resume would be strange. She said that her cover letter was very convincing and to forward that too. What planet was this girl on? She had no entertainment experience, was a self entitled spoiled rich little brat.

She kept talking about losing her virginity with some guy she had met only a month ago and felt like she had never lived and was going to start using drugs. This town is not for the weak and here she had been here for three weeks and was going to start using drugs and have sex! I was not going to play mom and reminded her that drugs were not allowed in my house. After another sex question I snapped and said "You know what! You imagine candles and white lingerie. Well let me break it down for you. You will probably lose it, it will be on a couch to a rap song and it will hurt like hell!"

And then came the breaking point. She asked if she could come to work with me to "shake hands with people." OK. WHAT? First of all, you have to go through security to even have someone to the studio to lunch. I asked my co-workers and they laughed saying "No, there is no 'bring your unemployed roommate to work day'"

I arrived home and as usual she was sleeping. It was 9pm at night. I wanted to throw my purse at her face. Long story short, I told her it wasn't working out, etc. I was very nice considering I wanted to tackle her. She was gone the next day.

I now have a really sweet guy here that does remind me of my initial friend. Low key, and he actually has a life! He asks nothing of me and is really cool. The best part is that he very handsome not my type. I love the dark hair, dark eyed type so we could never cross that line. He's here for another month and I think I ave worked out my finances from there. I have learned a lot about people. And if you are a virgin in your 20's and want to be in the entertainment industry keep a 10 foot distance!

I'm Healthy But Fat?

2011-10-14T21:30:00.001-07:00

Today we had health day at work. I had a flu shot, which I did need since everyone has been out sick and I am starting to feel it, and a complete screening of blood pressure, BMI (an estimate of your body fat that is based on your height and weight) and cholesterol readings. The flu shot went well. I didn't even feel it. But then I went to get my other screenings. I screamed at the woman next to me to talk to me during the finger prick, and I jumped 5 feet when they did it. She rambled on and I was just glad it was over. I was then instructed to sit for the next part, the weight and the blood pressure testing. It was a little awkward. There were were a few people standing by to give you results as you sat and watched a cartoon movie on mute. My name was called and I did the blood pressure test and then stepped on the scale. Gasp! I had gained a few pounds. But not enough to make me upset. I mumbled the scale was shit under my breath knowing it wasn't. I was told to wait again for my results.

There was one really hot guy nurse and the other were women. Of course I got the hot guy. The good news! My blood pressure falls well within normal. Before when I was a higher stress studio and drinking my ass off it was in the danger zone. Like so dangerous that wanted me to take a medication. I was pleased that my stress level had gone done and credit my job to this. It's amazing how much stress can have such an effect on your health. Scary actually.

As he went down the list, I was "normal range" in all, he finally got to my BMI. And there it was circled like a demon flag. I fell into the "OVERWEIGHT" range. I cringed. I was only a point over but still. Overweight? DAMN IT. I eat fruit in the mornings, a freaking lean cuisine for lunch and minimal carbs at dinner. I am so conscientious of my "liquid" calories too. I never drink beer anymore and only drink a few glasses of wine on the weekends. I drink tons of water and if I do drink soda, I drink diet. I also go on a 6 mile walk at least once a week.

I snatched my results out of his hand and said "Great, so I am healthy and FAT." He laughed. I didn't.

I went shopping last night and bought two dresses in size SMALL. Small!!!!!!!! But yet according to this I am overweight. And according to Cosmo I am as well. I am 5'4 so they expect you to be 120. They do not take into account muscle mass (which my legs are like little man soccer player legs if I used weights) and are going solely on height and weight.

Yes, I could probably work on my abs more and do some sit-ups. And yes I could probably work out more and will now that I am on the waiting list at the company gym and yes maybe drop maybe a few pounds. But to be considered "overweight" I have been OVERWEIGHT before and I knew why. I wasn't taking care of myself and drinking a twelve pack of beer before noon. No shock there. But here I have been doing everything right, eating well, taking vitamins and fish oils and keeping the alcohol to a minimum. I was skinnier in my party days when I substituted drugs and alcohol for food. In fact I have a picture of me that resembles the woman above. But I wasn't eating and was far from healthy. I was even skinnier when I did the Atkins diet which again was not healthy.

People wonder why woman have such issues with weight. It is because of ridiculous BMI's like this one. I thought they were going to pinch my body fat, not just divide my height by my weight.

I went back to work and announced that I was healthy but fat. A sweet male co-worker told I was far from. I know I am not fat. I look in the mirror and like what I see. And from what I have heard from men they like it too. I will never be that skin and bones girl. I was until I turned 20 and I hated it. I had no figure. I have a great curvy figure now (wish I had more in the chest area but whatever) but fat? No.

So hey Cosmo and ridiculous assumptions on what women should weigh, GO F*CK YOURSELF!

We've Met Before

2011-10-07T22:07:00.000-07:00

I hope that the above image was not staged but from the senior homes that I have been in this seems like crap. Getting older is something that I am terrified of. I think I get this from my mom who fights aging with everything she has with the help of an amazing plastic surgeon. I loved the book Tuck Everlasting. It shows the beauty of aging and the cycle of life, etc. My family does not subscribe to this. And honestly neither do I although I did like the book.

What scares me about getting older is not so much my appearance (although I do maintain my Botox and the second I see a gray hair run out and get it dyed), but the thought of losing it mentally. Alzheimer's mostly since it does run in my family. The thought of not knowing who people are or recalling things is terrifying. I already have an awful memory. I can't tell you how many times I have said "Nice meeting you" and then been told "We've met before." I get very upset with my mom when she pretends to have Alzheimer's to irritate my dad. While it is funny it isn't because at times she does repeat herself and I do wonder if it is on purpose sometimes.

I have always had the plan of taking care of my parents when they were too old to take care of themselves. I could never put them in a home and really enjoy being around them anyway. Even if they require medical care there are nurses for that.
My mom's new plan (again not sure if she was kidding) is for me to drop her off in San Francisco so she can go out smoking out of the "Black Pipe" (which after asking her was Opium) Of course she announced this out of nowhere on a drive over to my sister's housewarming party. I hate talking about them dying and always yell at her when she brings it up. Every time I tell her I like something in her house her response is "I will leave it to you when I die. More wine?"

Anyway, I will not drop her off to go smoke the "Black Pipe." My plan is to eventually have a large house in Napa which will board them both and a nurse if required. My husband will naturally love them. It's hard not to.

Anyway, the point of this was that I was approached to write for a series documentary/comedy style on a convalescent home by a woman that lives there that was in Entertainment. She is not very old but her family lives in Hawaii and she needs medical care around the clock. I met her at my speech class and she is hilarious. So sarcastic and so full of life. She wants to expose some of the problems at these centers but at the same time not make it so serious and also show some of the funnier residents and their eccentric personalities. She told me that she loved my writing style and would be perfect to make such a dark subject lighter. After she plans on using her connections to shop it around as a series.

I was delighted and honored that she had asked me to be the writer for this. It is such an important subject that does need more light shed on it. I've been in these convalescent homes before and they are so depressing. My mom once told me that aging is life's cruelest joke. I remember visiting someone at one and hearing a woman moaning in her bed. It smelled like urine and the place was awful. You are young and go through your life and grow old and end up in a place like that? Fuck no.

My sister currently works at a senior recreational center. She always has stories of how cunning and sly the seniors are. Although she almost physically wanted to fight one senior woman and "Rip her face off" (In my sister's defense this woman steals from the center and insults her daily),it does show that you can be a senior and still be funny and keep your personality intact.

I am sure there are some great ones out there but many people can not afford these resort type of centers. My God, if I was laying in bed all day I would be depressed too. I think this project will open a lot of people's eyes as to the conditions at these centers. I am excited to start working on it and am visiting her at her senior home Sunday to go over some notes and start interviewing some people there.

Here I was wanting a job in development and took another job and a development job landed in my lap. I can't wait to start working on it.

I Made Up for Lost Time

2011-09-25T15:56:00.001-07:00

After writing my last post I was exhausted. I had a glass of wine and heard the neighbors upstairs having another party. I went up to tell them to keep it down and the next thing I know I woke up this morning in the tight sequined dress I wore to my 30th birthday party years ago. I felt like I was in that Katy Perry video. The night was a blur. I remember smacking someone's ass and dancing like a hooker. I had been pet sitting and smelled like dog so I can only imagine how attractive I was.

I think I took my last post to heart and lived it up like I was 21 again. I recently watched the Jersey Shore episode where Snooki was crawling around drunk screaming for her boyfriend to come back. I remember thinking "God, I am so happy those days are over for me" and then last night happened.

I called my friend and asked if I should ask the neighbor what happened last night. We both agreed, no, silence is good. Just go about like nothing happened. Today it was back to reality, cleaning the house and then going to a friends for dinner and a movie. We've been hanging out a lot and at first I viewed him as a friend. But we have so much fun that lately I am thinking it could be more? The dog sitting guy has not called and I am over that. Anyway, we will see. My friend is such a nice guy that I would never want to hurt him. I can tell that he likes me but before I do anything I want to know one million percent I am into him.

Anyways, happy Sunday. I finally feel human again.

SLOW DOWN

2011-09-24T23:31:00.000-07:00

I went on a walk this morning with a friend. Exhausted from the week, I overslept this morning and she was due to arrive in an hour. Before she arrived I had to check on my dogs that I was sitting on. I also had a hair appointment, another dog sitting appointment and then had to pick up someone from the airport after. Busy day.

She arrived and there I was frantically going through my Blackberry. She looked at me and asked "Should I be here?" I felt awful. I wasn't in the PRESENT again. Often I keep myself so busy I am constantly moving and thinking about the next thing I have to do. I told her of course and put away my phone and we had a great breakfast. She confided that she was worried about me and how I always overbooked my schedule. She asked why? Was I lonely? At first I was thrown back by the question. I have many friends and at first was offended. Lonely? But then I realized she meant boyfriend wise. I instantly went on the defense. The pet sitting is keeping my credit card payments paid and I treat it really seriously. But I knew she meant that I couldn't sit still. And after sitting at the cafe and finally relaxing with her I realized that she was right. I can't sit still. When I do I feel like I am being lazy. I should be cleaning or writing or ??? I get anxious when I have nothing to do so I overbook my schedule and try to make plans for every day of the week.

A good friend and old roommate of mine once remarked on how I can't sit still. I do have anxiety. It runs in my family. But lately the anxiety has gotten even worse and turned into a bit of OCD. I am a clean person. Like really clean. Everything has to be in order and spotless. Not Jeff Lewis spotless (LOVE HIM THOUGH). By the way "Flipping Out" is one of the best shows on TV. If you haven't seen it tune in. It's on Bravo. He is hilarious and I have met him in person and he is the same way as he is on TV. But sometimes I feel like I have been having a lot of "Jeff Lewis moments" with my new roommate.

Jeff likes things clean and organized. I am the same way. Not to the same degree but pretty similar. It's strange though because as a teenager I was a total slob. My mom used to yell at me for leaving food in my room. Clothes were always tossed everywhere. I was never dirty, just messy.

My roommate a few years ago introduced me to "filing" after I had searched for my passport for hours and finally found it in the junk drawer. She is very organized and smart. She also introduced me to the concept of not having unnecessary crap lying around. More to dust and clean. Since, I have never lost a document and owe her many thanks on less time spent cleaning.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I have shared this before but when I moved to LA I was under tremendous stress at my job. Like too much stress. I took on everything and never said no. I was on call and was expected to have the answers to every damn question. One day I felt really strange. I was sitting at my desk. I was on a conference call and suddenly two people walked up asking me questions that were "urgent." Suddenly something happened inside. I hung up on the call which in itself was bad and just stood up and said I had to go get my car washed. I walked out feeling dizzy. I made it to the car wash but felt really sick. I was sweating and my heart was racing. I tried to get sick in the bathroom but nothing would come out. Leaving my car with no explanation to anyone I just started walking down the street. I couldn't breathe and felt faint. I saw a 7-11 and walked in and tried to get out that I needed help. I thought I was having a heart attack. I bought a banana and the guy asked if I was OK. I couldn't even respond. Like a zombie I walked for another two blocks and collapsed on a curb by a apartment complex. I had my cell phone and dialed 911 as people just walked by.

They arrived and once I was in the ambulance they told me I was having what was called a "panic attack." I started crying and was angry with my body. "I have to get back to work!" I kept telling the paramedics. They were so nice. One told me "This is the worst one you will ever have" I panicked about my car which I had ditched at the car wash. They even went and had it parked for me later.

I was in the emergency room for hours. They calmed me down with medicine and I thought I was crazy. This is it, I was thinking. I've lost my mind. It wasn't the best hospital so my neighbor was a screaming heroin addict and blood was on the floor. I felt faint and passed out.

I came to and they told me to take some pills they handed me and go home. But I was so dizzy that I could not drive. I told them that. I sat in the waiting room for hours. I eventually got the nerve to try driving (the paramedics had parked my car in the parking lot.. I did write a letter by the way after thanking them and their kindness) I got home and called my sister who got me though the night.

I took two days off and couldn't leave my house. I was in a state of panic the entire time. It was the most awful feeling. The next Monday I tried to drive to work. At a stop light my heart started racing, I started sweating and felt light headed. SHIT! I was having another panic attack. I had to pull over and just sit for a while. I realized that this wasn't just going to go away.

I got to work. I made it through 2 hours and had to leave. I felt trapped and felt like I was going crazy. I finally had to tell my manager what was going on. She was sympathetic and told me to go home. I didn't leave my apartment for days. I researched like crazy. Surely there had to be a cure to this! I am so energetic and so productive and now I was a shut in? I read about people that couldn't leave their homes due to severe anxiety. I was determined to not be this. I had such high hopes and dreams and was so active. Sitting at home was torture but at the same time I was terrified to leave.

On a Saturday morning, I ventured out to buy a gift a block away. I felt shaky but was determined. I am not a weak person and have run marathons without any training. I could walk a damn block. Halfway there I had a panic attack AGAIN and had to call a cab to bring me home. My legs went limp and I was hyperventilating. When he dropped me off after he realizing the very short distance, he asked "Are you OK?" I responded "I don't know" and bolted to the refuge of my apartment. I immediately researched psychiatrists. I had an appointment the next morning.

Even driving there I had to pull over again. WHAT IN THE FUCK was happening to me? Was I now mental? Had I lost it from stress? I met with him and he put me on an anti-anxiety medication. I was mortified. Sure, pills are fun for recreational use but to HAVE to be on them.

Well, it's over a year later, and I take one in the morning and go about my day as a normal person. My job now is way less stressful and I can happily say I am having a fun, normal life. There is no shame in having to be on medication. In fact after returning to work, I learned that a few co-workers were on the same medication. It must be an LA thing.

So anyway, here I am today but lately I've noticed that my OCD has gotten worse. My roommate left a nasty towel in the bathtub, used the last of my body wash and had drank all of my soda. Suddenly I "Flipped Out." We've had a few issues we have worked through. He no longer smokes weed in the house and now uses tissues instead of openly picking his nose on my couch. One day I caught him again picking his nose and threw a box of tissues in front of him and said "That is what these are for!". He now uses them and while he still hasn't grasped the concept of throwing them away after, he now throws them under the couch. But he is learning. I have known him for over 20 years so it is hard to bitch at your friend but some things need to be addressed.

So anyway after a stressful day last week, I came home to a nasty towel that looked like it had been vomited on in my bathtub, the house smelled awful and my soda was gone. I had stayed at a friend's the night before. My crazy cop neighbor told me that there had been "people at my house and a blond" My roommate has a crazy girlfriend that is no longer welcome here. After spilling wine on everything I own, getting in screaming fights and physical fights with him, I have banned her from my place. So after hearing a "blond" was here from my cop neighbor, I assumed it was his crazy girlfriend. I called him on my way to work demanding to know what had happened the night before.

Now in my defense during my Hawaii vacation apparently there were multiple parties at my house including people screwing in my bed. I have not trusted him since. But he has assured me this will never happen again after I threatened to throw him out if it does multiple times. He screamed that he was already having a bad day. When I hear screaming I lose it. I hate yelling. He told me that the blond girl was his other friend and the dirty towel was because he had spilled a soda. (Later while washing it, I realized yes, it was soda)

I realized suddenly how anal I was getting. Ok. So he spilled a soda and left some towel lying around. And I was getting all Magnum PI on his ass thinking his nutcase girlfriend had been at my house. I realized I needed to TRUST him. Hawaii was months ago and he has been an amazing roommate ever since.

We have since talked it out. I need to loosen my leash. Not everything can be and look perfect all of the time. And as my friend voiced this morning, sometimes people who have to have things a certain perfect way are hiding their fear of the uncertainty of this business. I think that is it. And I do agree with her. I am lonely. Yes, I have amazing friends. But I think I am finally ready to date again. I try to tell myself that I am too busy and make myself too busy. I even just wrote a blog on it! The truth is that I am afraid of being hurt. The last time I cared for someone it ended really badly.

So, thank goodness for great friends that give it to you straight. I am going to work on not over booking myself and just try and enjoy life. The other night I saw a neighbor heading out for the night holding hands with a girl. And I did feel a little sad that I didn't have that for a minute. Suddenly I realized, yes, I am very productive and busy but am I happy? Am I taking time just to enjoy life? Am I always so busy making plans that I am not enjoying anything I am doing because I am constantly thinking ahead? I used to be the girl that ventured to Mexico at 2am to party. I used to be fun and carefree. Maybe too fun but wow have I had a great life and some amazing stories to tell.

Time goes so fast and I am living in an amazing city. Time to start enjoying it again!

And it All Comes Down to One Phone Call

2011-09-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

I love this picture. My dad posted this on our refrigerator growing up.

This week I had a mild breakdown. My job needed an answer by Thursday but my dream job in development needed more time. And of course they did. I had interviewed not even a week earlier. The pressure was on. After emailing them that I needed an answer sooner than later (of course not worded like that) I got no response. I knew they were busy due to the Emmys. If only this interview had happened a week prior.

Wednesday came and went with no response. Knowing I had a job offer where I was (please do not get me wrong here. I know I am so lucky to be where I am with such an amazing studio and amazing people but it is not the development sector I have been so desperate to dive into) I know in my heart that I was meant to write shows, scripts, etc. Not only was it one of my favorite networks, but it was a huge leap forward.

I looked at my phone on Wednesday like a crackhead waiting for it's dealer to call. And nothing. I was supposed to go on a walk with a friend that night and she texted that she had to work late. There I was in my Big Bird shirt and sweatpants and I just broke down in the parking lot. Like BROKE down. I started crying in a way I never knew I could. I was gasping for air. Suddenly my LA time flashed before me. The company I had slaved over before with no reward, my dream job probably gone because my current company was asking for an answer so fast. The sobbing continued. And I mean CONTINUED. I just couldn't stop.

I hate crying. It makes me tired and I look like a puffy raccoon when I do. So I avoid it at all costs. But I did not stop crying for 4 hours. I was pet sitting, drove there and continued to cry on the dogs. I knew I had to accept the current role I was in and give up that dream job in the morning. I felt like my goals were stupid and I didn't belong here. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I haven't cried that much in over 5 years.

I went home and slept. The next morning I woke up ok. I had made my peace with withdrawing my name from the dream job running and taking the secure position at my job. Still nothing from dream job email or phone wise, so when I went up to HR I was excited and signed and BAM! I was now an official employee of my company. I had just been signed on as staff with a huge studio. All of those other thoughts went out the window. I went and told my boss and she was almost crying out of happiness. My co-workers were so excited and suddenly I realized how much they had wanted me to take the position.

The dream job contacted me an HOUR after I had signed saying she couldn't give me an answer so quickly. I told her I had to accept my current position and now she is my mentor after a few conversations.

Once again I am reminded that this town is not for the weak. I still have my dreams and already am working on a treatment for a series. And my friend and I are so excited for our public access show. And once I had time to think, yes working and learning from a studio that has done it right for a million years might be a start!

Damn It! The guy from CVS is phone stalking me again

2011-09-18T22:06:00.001-07:00

I live across from a CVS which is really convenient. About a year ago, one of the workers took a liking to me. He is probably in his late 20's. Every time I go in he is half asleep and stoned. He reminds me of Shaggy from Scooby Doo. Scruffy hair and unkempt. Nice but definitely not a "go-getter". I do not think I have ever seen his eyes fully open. In fact most of the people that work at this particular CVS are in some way "off." One woman is really aggressive and angry when you need help with the self checkout which never works. The pharmacy people ignore you and make you scream embarrassing things which I think is on purpose. And there is one poor elderly woman that is always stocking things that are way too heavy. It's like the twilight zone in there sometimes.

Anyway, he started flirting with me and I would cut him off. One night after too many glasses of wine I went in and made the mistake of finally giving him my phone number. It was all downhill from there.

He texted me non stop and each time I had to come up with an excuse why I could not go out with him. I hate rejecting people. And I had given him my phone number (DAMN wine!) so I was partially to blame. And it's not like he was a bad guy, just not my type, way to out of it and very slow in not getting the hint. I told him once I was working 7 days a week for a long time. He still didn't get it. His texts were always strange like "so do you party." or "where's the party" often spelled wrong. I knew he meant smoke and I don't. I could think of nothing worse than going out on a date with this guy. He barely can hold a conversation at the register without zoning out. Sometimes I think he forgets for a minute where he is.

Then his texts would come the second I walked into my front door which freaked me out. Was he watching me from CVS? But then I realized that would take the effort of walking out to the parking lot and climbing a few floors of the parking structure to get a view of my apartment. He is too lazy to stalk me in person. Just over the phone.

Finally the texting stopped and I thought he had gotten the hint. I avoided the CVS for a while and then the other day at work I get a text from him again. NO! I thought I had successfully lost him. I work with a guy that is really sarcastic and we talked and agreed that the only way to lose this guy was to act crazy. Here is how to text marathon went word for word. It made no sense but did work. He has not contacted me since.

Him: Hope your having a good day. this is the dude that works at cvs in case you forgot

Me: Describe your exact location right now because I am sending the police. Don't lie to me

Him: Huh?

Me: I said don't lie to me!!!

Him: I don't get it? Lie bout what?

Me: Damn it don't play stupid

Him: I am really confused no offense

Me: Well i do take offense. Good day sir

Him: Um...OK

Me: I said good day!

So Far so good. No more texts. When I see him again, and I will have to eventually go into that CVS I am just going to act like I don't know what he is talking about but then before leaving whisper like a nutcase "Good day sir" and walk off.

Yes, ridiculous. But sometimes you have to really go the extra mile to get rid of some guys. I am much better now at the "This isn't working out" and cutting things off quickly the second I know. But this guy was never going to get it and I could tell. A friend suggested I pretend to have turrets and when he rings me up scream "Liar!" when he tells me the total. I don't think I would be able to pull that off without laughing and besides the crazy approach worked. I think any combination of police threats & Willy Wonka lines would get rid of anyone.

All I Need Is A Miracle

2011-09-18T00:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes life is amazing. You think you go through your day to day and the weeks are uneventful at times. But so much can happen in a week. This last week has been a whirlwind for me. I was offered a permanent position at my job and an hour before I was to go up to HR to accept the offer another studio called with my dream job in reality development. I love the job that I do now and the company and work with amazing hilarious people.. but the creativity is pretty limited.

I did an over the phone interview they told me they would get back at me for a second interview but wanted to fill the position quickly. I went to my meeting with HR and tried to stall saying I needed time to think about the offer. It was lower pay than my contracting position so they understood. My goal was to buy time.

I am lucky. I have an amazing boss. Not only is she really nice, but she supports your ambitions and has a hilarious personality. I told her about the interview and she was really supportive. I almost wanted to cry. She is so amazing. How many bosses out there would say "Go for it! And if not we want you here" She has been so amazing through all of these interviews.

I received a call the next day for a second interview at the studio for the development job. I went the next day, nervous as hell. This was my DREAM job. To help brainstorm and develop reality tv! So many people look down on reality but I have always loved it. I can also appreciate scripted shows like Modern Family though. If you haven't seen it, it's amazing.

I went to the interview and was sweating a lot. I can't remember wanting something so badly. The network that it was for was one that I not only watched but Tivo'd religiously. At first the interview started bad. She asked how I was and my reply sounded really lackluster. I was so nervous. But then while talking before I knew it we were laughing and even talked about shows that should be done. Once she heard that I did 90210 trivia for my job she told me that Joe E Tata (Nat on Beverly Hills 90210) was drunk at a Bevmo recently at 10am buy Jack Daniels and we laughed and felt bad for him I knew we had bonded. She told me that I was a lot more mature than most of the people she had interviewed and discussed there were administrative functions. Being that development is probably the one area that I am not the most knowledgeable at, I would scrub floors if it meant getting the job. I assured her that answering phones and disturbing call sheets was not beneath me. And seriously, I did mean that. Taking calls from producers and talent? OK!

I told her I had another job offer at the end of the interview and that I didn't want to rush her but I needed to know sooner than later. She wrote something on my resume and thanked me for telling her that. And now I wait...

I am pretty sure that my current company is going to want a response by tues or wed. I do not want to be overly annoying by sending another "thank you" follow up email.

Tonight I went out to dinner with a friend and we talked about it. I have never wanted a job so badly in my life. It would launch me into exactly where I need to be. Creating shows. Sometimes wanting so badly is awful. My friend is amazing and a comedian and after talking (no alcohol was involved) we realized that it was so obvious we had to do a public access show together. Giving crappy advise with "In Living Color" skits and guests. Suddenly the future seemed amazing.

Yes, I want this development job more than anything in this world. BUT if I do not get it, I can channel my creativity through this show we are producing and wait until my day comes and sign with my current company.

We left the restaurant and there was one of those fortune teller quarter machines. You have to put your hand on a ball and it measures your "fate." I decided to do it and got amazing results in love, friendship and happiness. Not so much in the success and career. I cursed at it not realizing children were present. That bitch doesn't know what she is talking about. One of my friends called me recently and told me she had a dream where I was accepting an Oscar. I will mention how dumb the fortune teller woman machine is in my speech :)

A Strip Club Saved My Life

2011-09-10T22:25:00.001-07:00

Breaking news! This just in! You will not die if you are not married with children by 30! Contrary to popular belief, when the clock strikes midnight on that dreaded birthday, women do not turn into trolls only to scurry off to an attic to befriend vermin and take up knitting. I am proof that you can be over 30, not married and very happy and I am sick and tired of the media and people telling me otherwise.
I once viewed a The Tyra Banks show where girls in their 20's were freaking out because they had set a goal to be married with children by the age of 30. One was violently sobbing because she was 22 with no husband in sight. I could quickly tell why by her screeching voice but still, I could not believe this was a topic. I have never set any sort of timeline for myself and am shocked that anyone would do that. What is the urgency?

First of all, how do you know if you are even going to meet the right person by that 30 year old "goal" age? I didn’t. And I have even been proposed to twice. The first time the guy was just an idiot and the second time I was in my twenties. I was living with my boyfriend of 7 years. We had always gotten along, but were completely different people and I knew from the beginning that he was not “the one.” I think he realized it too the night he was showing off for friends demanding a beer and I threw it at his head. But we had fun and I liked his tattoos. Anyway, we decided to take a romantic trip to Reno for a night of drinking and gambling. I remember I was doing great on the slots that night and we both drank into the wee hours living it up under the beautiful Reno lights. We walked down the strip holding hands and I remember seeing the sun starting to come up. “We should get married” he said. “Sure, whatever” I slurred back.

And then there it was. Suddenly a beautiful pink and red neon light of a nude woman flashed before us. It was a strip club. It was like a beacon in the night. He loved strip clubs and frequented them often so I was not surprised when he announced “Hey! Let’s go in there first” I told him to go and I would go nap in the room. We woke up hours later not married. To this day every time I pass by a strip club I give a silent nod of appreciation to those girls.

I am not sure why people assume that if you are single you are miserable or assume you have something wrong with you. I never got this strange pity before 30. Most of my friends are already married with children. And this is great! I am thrilled for them. BUT if I get the question," So are you seeing anyone?" or "I know this one guy" one more time I am going to go into hiding and only come out for food.

A friend around my age shared a story with me yesterday that was awful. Her cousin set her up on a date with a guy that was deaf. My ideal man is mute but this was ridiculous. Now of course there is nothing wrong with this situation if she had known sign language but she didn’t. She couldn't understand anything he was signing. She said she just kept talking and he would sign something back and I guess this continued for hours. When she told me that she had said "I don't know what that means but I am just going to keep talking I guess" I told her that he probably can read lips and now she feels bad.

The point is, take it from me, we know you mean well but being single does not equal misery! Please just let us find our own dates. And when I say "I'm really focused on getting my career back on track" I actually really do mean that, this is not my code for "Please help me! I spend my nights crying myself to sleep stuffing my face staring out the window for a man on a horse to ride up”

If I get married it is because I will be in love with the best guy in this world and if I have children it most likely will be an accident (or planned) but I have never said to myself "OK, by 33 I need to be married and by 34 have a baby on the way" I can’t imagine doing this to myself. And when I see my friends with children I know I am not ready for all of that anyway. I hope that I have given you proof that it is possible to be over 30, single and happy. That blowup doll that I own is solely for security purposes and is not a cry for help.

Jobs, Men, Wednesdays

2011-08-24T21:07:00.000-07:00

My yahoo email account was hacked a few weeks ago and unfortunately it was a "penis enlargement pills" ad. It went to former bosses, family and sadly my most recent interview person. I emailed as many as possible with apology's and bought the best anti-virus known to man and was over it. This was weeks ago and I had totally forgotten until last night when I got an angry message from a guy who I had rejected long ago telling me off , what I was missing, etc. ( I've since cleaned out my contact list)

I am secretly pleased though because the reason I rejected this guy was because he was a total asshole. My intuition is getting better.

Anyway, this week has been a roller coaster of emotions. Three jobs hang in the balance. On one hand I feel excited and very grateful, on the other, anxious and just want to KNOW. My passion is development so do I take something because it is job security or do I take a risk? So confused.. But anyway.

No progress yet with dog sitting guy (but I have decided if there is a girl in the picture to let that work itself out even if he claims it's not working). I've been so busy I barely have thought of him until now. The interviews and waiting have kept me occupied AND the fact that my go-to guy is now in a relationship. I was stunned. How could this have happened so quickly? (a year) I regretted not using him more often but wished him well. Yes, I am happy for him but what now? No matter where you are in your "relationship" it always hurts when your ex or "night friend" is now with someone else. It stings for a bit doesn't it? And you can never really pinpoint why. You were so OVER it or could of cared a less until that moment when you find out somebody else is in the picture. Odd.

Anyway, life keeps chugging along and the loss of a booty call hardly warrants pouting. I have 3 great jobs all hanging in the balance. I am so happy where I am and know I will be happy with what I chose. So far I have made made great decisions career wise. But, as I am sure you have guessed, patience is not my strongest virtue. I have been watching the phone like a lion stalking it's prey. JUST CALL ALREADY.

Happy Wednesday and I am now going to have a glass (or two) of wine.

Great. I have a Crush on a Client

2011-08-14T12:37:00.000-07:00

I treat the pet sitting like I do my full time job when it comes to dating. No dipping the pen in the company ink. Most of my clients are married or old so never have I had the dilemma that I now am in. I went to meet this guy and his dog for the first time a few weeks ago. When he turned the corner it was like in the movies where a beam of light was shining on him. He was amazing looking. I collected myself and was silently cursing my choice in outfit that day. I should have worn something more form fitting. Anyway, I met his adorable dog and we walked him together and before I knew it we were talking about work. He's in the entertainment business also and I found him fascinating. He was so easy to talk to and I could use words that were more than one syllable. He also is a writer and we talked about that for almost an hour. Somehow I even ended up doing my Snuffalufagus impression for him which is one of my only talents and something I do when nervous and can't think of anything to say. Not the most attractive talent, but the impression is pretty good and I think he was impressed. We texted on and off all weekend about his dog and that was it. He told me he would be needing me again in the future.

I got home and could not get the guy out of my mind. I haven't been instantly attracted to someone like this in forever. But I thought no, this isn't that J-Lo movie where she sits for his dog and they live happily ever after. I am not J-Lo and I am this guy's dog sitter. And that is that.

A week passed and I still could not stop thinking about him. On a walk with my friend I found myself rambling on and on about him. Even she was shocked. Usually nobody knows who I am dating because I usually date losers and never bring them up unless forced. However, I was proud of myself this week. The other day I was at the laundry mat and found myself talking to yet another guy who looked like trouble. Cute, tatoos, but trouble. I was smart and walked out and sat in my car rehearsing a speech I am giving on Tuesday. Disaster averted.

Anyway so this guy. At work they had me google him and his Linked In showed up. Everyone crowded around my desk saying how adorable he was. I felt stupid. What was I doing? I had met the guy once. I decided OK, no more thinking about this guy ever again like this. I love his dog and this is a business relationship that I do not want to lose by doing something stupid.

Yesterday I gave in to temptation and texted him about the weekends he needed me. In my defense I have done this with every other client and am going out of town a lot soon so I need to know which weekends I need to leave free. He responded and somehow a texting marathon happened. Not wanting to just come out with "Hey so do you have a girlfriend" I did the sly "I have a friend who is single. You guys should totally meet" to test the waters. He responded that he was seeing someone but he didn't think it was going to last. I felt like an idiot. Great now what. Every single one of my friends is either married, in a relationship or engaged. I am the only single girl left. So if he does stop seeing this girl and asks about this "single friend" then what? Beg one of my friends to pretend to be single and just make it worse or come clean? Both options are awful.

I'm just going to sit for him and leave it at that. If it is in the cards, the guy will come to me. Right? One of my guy friends told me just to ask him out. I told him no. I've learned guys like the chase and thankfully I didn't because he is dating someone. Ugh. So anyway, yes it would be a cute story on how we met but I really need to just stop and divert my attention elsewhere. This week is really busy and I'm hanging out with an old friend all of next weekend. So hopefully that will be enough time and distractions to just put this whole thing out of my mind. But of course I am totally going to rent that J-Lo movie and see what she did. Showing up to walk his dog in mini skirts might be a tad obvious.

The Landlord Experiment

2011-08-09T11:11:00.000-07:00

Having a hands off landlord is great in so many ways but as I’ve written before when it comes to repairs, not so ideal. Recently, the apartment upstairs flooded and we had to have the wall knocked out outside and they accidently went through mine. When I noticed the hole I called my landlord and left a message. A week later, like my plumbing, I just fixed it myself. We have one more vacancy and I know that my landlord is busy trying to fill it but still. He can’t just ignore the tenants that have been there for years.

My screen door started falling apart over a year ago. I love to leave it open and watch TV. When the netting started coming off I called my landlord and his response was when the screen door fell off he would replace it. We used to have a roach problem so it is crucial that the screen door is intact. Once a bee flew in through the one of the holes which was scary because I have to go to the hospital if stung by one. -Which reminds me I need to get another EpiPen refill. I thought it was funny at the time and started using clear duct tape to keep the netting on. Every week for a year I have to re duct tape it because with the heat it peels off. I put in a call again 6 months ago and heard nothing. I called a month ago and he told me it was on his list.

My friend offered to buy one and just replace it himself and I said no, my landlord needs to do this. Yes, it is just a screen door but he has to step up and fix SOMETHING. So, a friend suggested instead of using the eye pleasing clear duct tape to hold it together, I get trashy and use the silver. He even provided a huge roll for me. Being that I am the front apartment silver duct tape on the screen is about as tacky as using tin foil in the windows. I got home last night and ripped off the clear duct tape and replaced it with its more unattractive option as you can see from the pictures above. Yes it is awful looking and yes it looks like there is a meth lab in the bathtub but worth it not to pay and install a screen door for an apartment that I am renting. Plus, I think he has gotten used to me repairing things myself and this isn't ok. The weekends have been getting even busier so fixing things is really irritating. Especially drywall which while I did patch the hole, it looks like hell.

Now I sit and wait. He is pretty out of it but I am guessing it may take a while for him to notice. I am hoping within the next month to have a new screen door. And if not, for every week that goes by I apply more duct tape.

OK.. It Can Not End Like This

2011-08-06T23:00:00.000-07:00

This was the exact thought that was going through my mind today in an elevator being clawed down by a pit bull that I was sitting. I'll start from the beginning.

I have been pet sitting forever now. Between volunteering at the shelter and sitting for people I would say I have become close to an expert at taking care of animals. I grew up with a German Shepherd and have always loved big dogs.

I have always hated how the Pit Bull breed gets such a bad rap and how fearful people are of them. At the shelter they are hard to adopt out and we even have special classes on training them. I have taught many how to sit, stay, etc and they are so lovable. They are wonderful dogs and very loyal to their owners. People make them mean but of course it is smart to use common sense and not leave a pit with a small child or small animal alone just because of the nature of the breed, although as a small child I remember riding on our German Shepherd's back. *But it is not smart to leave any dog that of that size and strength alone with a child or small animal.

Anyway, so last week I sat for a 100 lb Lab and he was adorable. We went to the lake in the mornings and he was great on a leash. So I thought nothing of it when I accepted a pit bull sitting this weekend. The dog was 3 and had never been away from his owner. He mentioned he had trouble finding sitters in the past. Right there should have been a warning sign to me, but I assumed it was just because of the breed.

I went for the usual routine walk through the day before and the dog was cute and well cared for. Not too big but at least 70 lbs and very strong. But sweet. Guys always think I will have a problem walking their dogs if they are bigger than a chihuahua. I am really good with leash training but I went for a quick walk with the owner to prove I could handle it and he was totally controllable. Usually on walks, I am more concerned about the idiots who let their dogs walk off leash. Those are the ones who attack your dog.

I was supposed to stay overnight tonight due to the separation anxiety the owner was fearful of. I usually do not do this but was willing to this time. I immediately noticed that he was not neutered. Working at the shelter of course I have an issue with this. LA is so over populated with animals and we have to put so many animals to sleep because people do not spay or neuter their animals and they have litter after litter and they end up at our shelters. Spaying and neutering also helps with aggression, etc. But I was not going to give a lecture to the owner on the first sitting. Besides, he was on his way to Vegas and in a hurry to leave. His girlfriend was waiting in the car outside.

The second the owner left the dog changed. He became very playful, overly playful, jumping and running into things. I remained calm and managed to get his collar on, got him into the elevator and took him for a really long walk to calm him down. When we returned I went out on the balcony and he followed me. The apartment had an amazing view of downtown LA. There I was taking it in and suddenly 70lbs of dog was straddling me from behind, paws not letting go. I froze. Ok, the dog was trying to hump me. I slowly walked forward trying to free his paws from my waist. Eventually he let go. I put him into the bedroom like I was supposed to with the door shut and left. I texted the owner and asked if the dog normally humped people. He thought it was funny.

I returned this morning and let the dog out and so far so good. He had his breakfast but then started acting strange. I tried to put his collar on and he kept grabbing it and tried to eat it. I got it out of his mouth and after a few more times got it on. He was acting anxious but I thought it was just excitement about going on a walk.

I had his leash in my hand and we got in the elevator. I went to press the down button but before I knew it, he had done 4 circles around me and I was tied up in the leash. I could not even press the buttons on the elevator. He jumped on my back again this time his nails were digging into my back cutting me. I tried to get free and he scratched my arm. I could feel his mouth near my neck and I started to get really scared. Pit bulls have huge jaws and my mind was racing. Like an idiot I had only a t-shirt on and sweat pants. My arm was bleeding and I knew my back was a mess and I was terrified. I kept trying to get near the elevator down button but the leash was around my legs. I thought, "Holy crap. This dog is going to maul me to death in this elevator. It can not end like this" I threw myself against the buttons and somehow at least got to floor 3. I twisted my body and me and the dog flung out of the elevator when the doors opened all twisted up together. My heart was pounding so fast I thought I could hear it. I did a few turns so fast you would think I had studied ballet for years and my legs were free. I just stood there with him for a minute. He lunged forward. We went on a walk. This time when we got back I left his leash on when I returned him to the room. Once he was safe and sound in the room I went to the bathroom and looked at my back. My back had scratches all the way down and was bleeding but not bad enough to go to a doctor. I went to my car and called the owner.

He picked up and I told him what had happened. He acted shocked. But then my mind suddenly went back to the "meet and greet" day where the dog had tried to jump on a girl the same way and I had to restrain him. This has happened before. And like a puzzle I realized, THIS is why the guy can not find a regular sitter.

I told the owner there was no way I could stay the night alone with this dog. It is one thing to be standing up but sleeping and having a dog jump on you like that? NO WAY. No amount of money in the world is worth being scared. Never before sitting have I ever felt scared. He understood and told me walks were fine. He told me to call him when I arrived tonight and he would walk me through what to do to calm him down. (ALL OF THIS INFORMATION REALLY WOULD HAVE BEEN USEFUL UPFRONT) This really is the point where I should have said "Maybe I can find someone else, do you have a friend?, etc" But no, not me! I always think I can do anything and sometimes have the common sense of a doormat.

I went back tonight. Driving there I felt a little nervous but alright. I was now dressed for anything. Although hot as hell outside, I was armed in UGG boots with thick socks, and another shirt underneath a thick sweatshirt. There was no way he could claw my back through all of that padding. (My old motocross jacket was too small, I tried it first and my ski jacket was in storage in the garage) I looked ridiculous but didn't care. I was prepared for anything scratching/humping related. I thought on my way, OK, I will take the stairs, NOT the elevator ever again and the dog already has his leash on. What else could go wrong? I should have knocked on wood, or at least the dashboard.

When I arrived, the dog was thrusting against the bedroom door to get out. This was right after 7pm. I knew he was hungry and this was why but the thought of letting him out and him jumping on me almost made me wet myself. I was sweating like an animal with all of those clothes on and just kept staring at the door and winced everytime he thrust himself against it. WHAT IN THE FUCK was I going to do? I kept calling the owner and it kept going to voicemail. After 9 times I gave up. The guy had either lost his phone or was ignoring me. The dog had to eat and needed to go to the bathroom. One thing I did not like about this arrangement was the whole putting the dog in the bedroom thing. I think it is awful to make an animal hold it ever. I can't even sleep if I even think I have to go. I felt awful for the poor dog but at the same time I was too terrified to open the door yet.

After another 20 minutes of hearing thrusting, I was at a crossroads. I knew it wasn't the dog's fault but I also had that survival instinct of not wanting to die. His growing was becoming more aggressive. I called my friend at the shelter and no answer. I knocked on a neighbors door and was greeted with something along the lines of "go away" I think in another language. I even went outside and tried to solicit someone to help me. Three guys were hanging out downstairs and none of them would do it. After asking for my phone number I knew I was on my own. What assholes. I thought, OK damnit, nothing can be worse than being stuck in an elevator tied up in a leash. I left the front door slightly open in case of attack. I opened the door and the dog growled. I quickly shut it. I paced for another 20 minutes and called a friend. She was comforting and told me to just leave. But I couldn't. I just kept thinking of the poor dog. He just wanted food and to pee! It wasn't his fault that his owner hadn't trained him not to jump and attack people. I called the shelter and the one person I knew that worked late night could not come until midnight. I paced more. Finally I called my parents. I told my dad the situation and asked that he stay on speaker why I let the dog out after getting a lecture on not sitting for big dogs anymore.

The moment came. Silence was coming from the room. I took a deep breath and opened it. He ran out but right to the food this time! Like a magician I grabbed his collar and had control instantly. I held it while he ate, drank and the entire walk down the STAIRS. I did not let go of that damn leash until he was safely back in the bedroom.

Tomorrow morning is my last sitting. I can not say how relieved I am. After I have plans to sit like a slough at my friend's house by the pool and BBQ. I have learned a lot from this. Yes, I am great with animals, but clearly when it comes to certain breeds I am not ready or prepared and could really get hurt. My friend who is great with Pit Bulls told me it comes with practice so from now on I am the designated pit bull person at the shelter for events. Although, after this weekend, it might be a while before I take on another one.

What Good Is Money Sitting in the Bank?

2011-07-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

If only money really did grow on trees. Well, there may not be a tree but there are easy ways to find more money in your bank account. I am going to share with you my story and some basic, easy ways to trim down your expenses and make extra money which helped me through a financial crisis. You may be doing some of these already but I hope to give you at least one idea that you may not have thought of.

In this economy money is tighter than ever. Even if you are employed. But never has it been tighter for me than two years ago, when I realized that my credit cards were reaching their limits and I was unemployed without a job in sight. I had given my notice at Sony and had a brand new job lined up which was to start a week later. Or so I thought. One phone call was all it took for that offer to be off of the table. I remember nothing but hearing the words "restructuring" and "resume on file." I remained in shock for a few weeks thinking I would get another job at the drop of a hat. I am great! I am the best employee ever! I'll be working by next Monday so I should really relax right now!
Interview after interview went by and after a few rejections panic started to set in. What was I going to do? I had rent to pay, a car payment, bills and of course the credit cards that I loved to charge to like water. Like a haunting voice, I remembered telling my former co-worker that I would pay for his coffee and him saying "Are you sure?" and my stupid response of "Yes! I'm not paying for it, I'll just charge it!" Wow has that mentality changed. I had to cut down and fast. I was in financial trouble and I knew it.

The first lesson that I had to learn was the difference between want vs. need. When is the last time that you looked at your bank or credit card statements? Like, REALLY looked at them. I looked away as my statements took what felt like an hour to print out from the previous month. Slowly, I took out my highlighter and looked. It was the moment of truth and what I had in front of me was shocking. $600 clothes shopping in one weekend? $80 spent in one night at El Bar? $75 a month for Starbucks? Wine club memberships and donations to places I can't even recall? Oh wow. I slowly started highlighting anything not necessary and by the end, the entire page was yellow. My spending habits were about to take a drastic turn. Previously my attitude towards money had been very bad. Like my dad says, "what good is money sitting in the bank?" and clearly I had adopted the same philosophy. If I wanted it I just went and bought it. But looking at these statements I knew I could not afford to live like that any longer. Just by cutting out some small and some large expenses, I have saved almost $8,000 a year.

After I had cut out the extravagant spending and wincing after selling off my $400 never worn Juicy Couture dress for $35 on EBay, I knew I had to think of creative ways to earn money until I had a full time job again. I love writing but finding a paying writing job is difficult. For free sure, but for pay not so easy. I kept thinking. I love animals. I volunteer at the animal shelter almost every other weekend. So why not start a pet sitting service? I was doing it anyway for friends and family for free and loved it. So that is exactly what I did and with just a simple posting on Craigslist, I now have a regular client base. Allergic to fur? No problem. Do you have an extra room or live alone? While living alone is amazing, sacrificing your solitude and getting a roommate for a while brings in extra money and all that you have to do is establish a few ground rules and you are set. In my case, it was a friend who needed a place to stay Monday through Thursday. It has been working out perfectly and I still have my weekends all to myself. This has brought in a ton of extra money without lifting a finger. AND, did you know that your credit cards have points which you can redeem for cash??! I didn't! I was able to redeem over $2000 in uncollected reward money that I never even knew existed.

Ok, so now you have reduced your spending to the basics, established an illegal business and are sharing your living expenses. Now it's time to bargain. One note to my landlord and my rent was reduced. A simple change to my cell phone company and I was saved over $75 a month. Drinking wine at home with friends instead of going out saves enough money to buy a vehicle and I was even able to bring down my cable bill just by calling. Companies do not want to lose you and are more flexible than you think.

I was able to manage for a few months but money was still low. Very low. I eventually had had to borrow money from my parents and then finally a studio called. It was like angels descending from the heavens. I was volunteering at the animal shelter that day and when I received the call. I was so happy that I ran and leapt into the arms of one of the workers there. We dated for a few months after.

Even now that I am working, I still have debt left over and have continued to keep looking for ways to save and pay it down. I realized that the store brand tastes just the same as most of the name brands. I bring my lunch to work instead of paying $10 a day at the cafeteria. I know where the cheapest gas station is and am very aware of what I am spending my money on. Looking back, I am still in s hock at how careless I had been with my finances. I am still convinced someone had hypnotized me into thinking I was part of the Hilton family.

I can proudly say that I have lived without having the latest Coach purse and life did go on without my weekly Nordstroms shopping trips. I still treat myself from time to time but now when I do it means so much more. I still feel the urge to spend but now when I do, I stop and think to myself "OK, do you really need this?" and usually the answer is no. So no, money does not grow on trees but it does grow in your bank account if you spend responsibly and have a plan. I hope that I have given you at least one idea to use and if any of you do come across that damn tree let me know because the latest Louis Vuitton handbag has my name written ALL over it.

Roller-Coaster Week

2011-07-22T22:05:00.001-07:00

The last two weeks have been a whirlwind. I went on a vacation to Hawaii for my sister's 30th birthday and it was amazing. We went to Oahu and made the most of every moment. From the time we landed until the time we left we did and saw more things than most people do in a month. We attended two Hawaiian luaus, one at our resort (can the guys get ANY hotter) and one at the Polynesian Cultural Center. My jaw dropped at when the fire dancers came on. WOW. We did everything from a submarine ride under the ocean to "snubbing" a combo of scuba and snorkeling. We even found time to take a day to head to to the North Shore. I can't think of a time in my life that I have ever felt so happy. My family, all together, celebrating. Before I left I found a vendor whose grandfather carved things out of wood. I bought the one for luck and for love.

When I took the plane home I felt sad. I always do when I leave them. I arrived at LAX at about 1am during "carmageddon" and was home within an hour. For those that do not live in LA, the 405 freeway was shut down for the weekend and there was mas chaos and people would not leave their homes. So many people stayed in that traffic was a dream. I wish they could declare that once a month.

Anyway, so I landed and was back to reality. I arrived to work Monday and gave out my Dog the Bounty Hunter souvenirs (of course we HAD to make a stop at his bail bonds), and all was well. The next day marked my one year anniversary contracting with the company and I was excited. I was certain they would hire me on.

I arrived to work and there was a celebration! Bagels were out and some pins were being handed out. I sat down at my desk and my boss said "It's her 1 year anniversary!" The girl she was referring to was not only hired on full time before me (ouch), but had started months after me, maybe in October? I was really confused.

So anyway, the day passed and I could hardly tolerate the annoying "Congratulations!" all day that were coming her way. WHAT THE HELL.

I worked but remained more quiet than usual. I am usually the load, vocal one. When I am upset I get quiet. I feel this is better than screaming or saying something that I will regret. BUT SERIOUSLY? We are celebrating somebody else's anniversary when it was really mine? And now I would look like an ass for saying "Well it actually is MINE" I even had to do the "Congratulations!" to not look like an asshole. Talk about an awkward work day. I felt like I was in Sixteen Candles, but Long Duck Dong was getting a party for no reason. I was left work and felt defeated. And then I got the call from another major studio offering me a job in programming and development. I was thrilled! Talk about a roller-coaster day.

The next morning I had an email from my boss to meet with her when I was settled. My mind went racing. Contracting is so great in so many ways but in others scary. At any moment everything can change. I went into her office and was met with not only an apology for confusing my anniversary date with my co-workers but a permanent job offer that they were working on.

I was honest and told her that I was thrilled at the opportunity to be "staff" but did tell her another studio had contacted me and my interview was on Monday.
Not only was she understanding but told me that I needed to go into the interview completely forgetting that I had a position with our network. I was floored. What an amazing boss to say "GO FOR IT! and if not we want you here" My emotions had done a 360 in one day. Yesterday I had felt over-looked and upset and today I was on top of the world. It's insane how fast things can change. That good luck/love statue that I bought in Hawaii has worked double time.

WHY do some guys think this is a turn on?

2011-07-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

I was out with a friend having a great time the other night. And this guy above jumps into our photo. What in the hell?? So gross. I have never understood this gesture. And I assume any guy who makes this gesture is probably awful at it. This doesn't even make the "red flag" list because it's so stupid. Happy 4th everyone!!

Shopping List: Flip flops, dresses..oh! And a religion

2011-07-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

I have stated before that I am not religious. I believe there is something greater but I have yet to subscribe to any particular religion. Last night I had to get a gift for someone and went to the mall. I was approached within minutes with two girls and a Bible. They wanted to teach me about the new “Woman God” religion. I stood there with my Old Navy bag ($5 for two pairs of flip flops!) and politely listened as they started reading to me from the Bible. After a few minutes of this, I was not sure where this was going and was reminded of the Beverly Hills 90210 episode where Kelly Taylor joins a cult. In front of me I spotted a sale at American Eagle somewhere between a verse on a rib and another about something with a “likeness.” I knew I needed to flee but did not know how.

I needed some new summer dresses and I knew stopping in on this sale was crucial. The mall was going to close soon and as they rambled on, finally there was a break between the readings and one of them asked “Would you like to come and learn more?” I said “No. I need to go in there” and walked into American Eagle. I didn’t mean to be rude but COME ON. I have never understood religions that solicit like this. I am assuming it has worked before because why else would some people go door to door or like in this case approach you in a mall. I think that whatever religion one chooses is not going to happen in front of an Old Navy.

Spokeo is Spooky!

2011-06-27T16:10:00.000-07:00

YIKES!

A co-worker brought to my attention a site that has apparently been around for years called Spokeo http://www.spokeo.com/. I typed my own name I and was shocked to find my last 5 addresses and even one phone number I had used in the past. Underneath your name is even a map of where you live! What in the hell? I understand that we live in a time where everything is on the Internet. But I think that certain things like your address, marital status and income are crossing a line. It even has your birthday.

Although not completely accurate, I think it said I made $300K a year (I wish); it had enough information to definitely be disturbing. You can remove yourself by going to the site, finding yourself, copying the URL and then going to this page http://www.spokeo.com/privacy Scroll down and enter your information. Hit remove this listing and it should be off the site within 1 business day. It will send you an email to confirm removal. Tell everyone you know so that they can be off of this awful site!

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex?

2011-06-23T15:49:00.001-07:00

I have been alive for thirty years so I have had many boyfriends along the way. I have had crazy ones, addict ones, lazy ones, unemployed ones, great ones and cheating ones. I have dated everything from the occasional crack head to the medical student. The breakups have ranged from amicable to insane.

I’m not the easiest person to be with. I once self sabotaged a great relationship by cheating on the poor guy. I was in my early 20’s. He was amazing. He would drive 3 hours to see me and often surprised me with flowers and gifts. My parents loved him and he would bring me to elaborate events and treated me like a goddess. To this day I have not been treated better. So of course I had to mess it up. And looking back, I know that I was way too young, did not appreciate somebody that amazing and was scared. To this day I still have a hard time being treated well. I have gotten a lot better though. I hear that he is now a doctor in a great relationship and here I am dating guys that live with their parents.

The topic of being friends with ex’s came to mind because last night, I accidently pocket dialed an ex and although it was awkward it was alright. We exchanged the usual polite crap banter and then it was over. I REALLY need to start deleting numbers out of my phone on a more regular basis. Anyway, it got me thinking, can you be friends, like actual friends, with an ex?

Before I would have said no. Once it is over, it is over. But then I remembered an ex, and actually my first love, that stayed with me for a few months this year and it could not have been more fun. No awkward moments, no “talk of the past”, no drama. We are friends and will always be friends but do not belong together and we both know it. Being that I met him over 16 years ago and we have stayed in touch for this long is remarkable. BUT I know that he likes women. Like a lot. So I would never even think of going down that road with him again. But as a friend, he is amazing.

I think it depends on if there is a foundation of friendship there or if it was more of a fling. I also thinks it depends on how long you were together and why you broke up. Some you just know you will never see again and have no desire to. Clearly I will not be getting a Christmas card from that doctor guy anytime soon.

"Tell Your Mom I Said Hello!"

2011-06-17T17:00:00.000-07:00

I had to do something just now that was awful. The guy, this new one that lived at home, I had to tell him to stop calling and that it meant goodbye. For the last few days, despite me telling him I had to work and had plans almost every night after -but would call him when I freed up, he has been calling. He leaves a message to call back when I can. But then calls again. Last night I was watching a movie and it was so distracting that I realized OK, this is not going to work. Toss aside the whole living with the parents thing, he is not LISTENING to me when I give basic requests. Listening is a huge part of any relationship. And if it is not there from the start that is a huge red flag.

And today at 3pm there it was again. Him. I picked up my cell phone at work, which in itself is really unprofessional and told him “I’m at work” and he said “Sorry, I’ll call you back.” I had had it. I called him right back and told him not to and it wasn’t working for me. I told him that he was a great guy, but he was calling way too much and I didn't think I could handle all of the time he needed from me. All true. I felt awful doing it but it was necessary. I added that that amount of obsessive calling was only acceptable from drug addicts and asked him if he was one. He said that he was not but the jury is out. The only time I have experienced this sort of over and over calling was when some guy was drunk or high.

I think we have all been on the receiving end of being hurt but it also feels bad to be mean to someone else. I wish the guy the best but strike one was living with his parents, strike two was calling WAY too much and strike three was clearly not having a full time job because he calls at all hours of the day. Feeling bad about having to do it, I am also proud of myself. I tend to let things drag on and on. I nipped this quickly only letting it go a few weeks. Grasshopper is learning.

OF COURSE he does...

2011-06-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

I met the most amazing guy recently. Nice, adorable and such a gentleman. I actually had sworn off dating for a while but I met him and we had an instant chemistry. He told me I was unlike anyone he had ever met (I've heard that many times) and that spending time with me was unlike anything else.

After a few more times of him insisting I was the best thing on earth I decided he was clearly delusional and I tested the waters. I told him one day that he was annoying and reminded me of Fran Drescher. He thought it was funny. I was obnoxious and drank too much one night and fell asleep mid conversation. He found it "cute." I was at a loss. NOTHING I could do would faze this guy.

After a few more times talking with him after hanging out I decided to myself, fine, I will give him a chance, but now I need to know more. I started with the basics fundamentals. And then as a joke after impressed by every answer so far asked "OK, so last question, do you live with your parents?"

THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE. Thank God this conversation was over the phone because when he answered yes the face I made was bordering on special needs. I was silent for a while and finally after he asked "Hello? Hello?" a few times I mumbled something just to let him know I hadn't hung up. My mind was racing. WHAT THE HELL? Why do I only meet guys who are living at home still? This one is 38 and although after my long pause he launched into various reasons that were somewhat valid that alarm when off in my head that was further validated by my friend's quick "NO" after I mentioned that one tiny thing the next day casually.

Damn it. He has called every night and I do not know what to do. Tonight I was brief and told him I had a lot to do this weekend so I wasn't free (that is pretty much true...) and he told me that it was nice just to hear my voice. My voice. So, now I am at a crossroads. Do I throw away a nice guy just because he lives with his parents? He has everything else going for him. It was on my "HELL NO" list and I think I could definitely be friends with him but he seems too enthralled which also is concerning. Don't get me wrong, I think I am am interesting but hardly the 8th wonder of the world that this guy makes me out to be. OH WOW. Damn it. Rent is not that expensive and get a roommate.

I need advise. But on the other hand I am not really in the mood or the mind space right now to even become involved with anyone. Relationships to me are usually only a road to heartache and drama. I don't know what to do on this one.

"It's the End of the World as We Know It (And I Feel Fine)"

2011-05-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

I first noticed the end of the world billboards months ago in Hollywood next to one for the cartoon movie Rango. Annoying and ridiculous. I myself am not religious. I think everyone can believe whatever they would like but I have not found one that I can really get behind yet.

For the last week the news has been nothing but Arnold Schwarzenegger's love child (you'd think he'd set them up somewhere better than that hellhole Bakersfield) and the end of the world. Both topics are a waste of time to me but it does make you think about if it really were true what would you do, who would you call, etc.

So many things that we think are important aren't - like my yellow curtains not arriving on time (although annoying because they really are going to tie my new bedroom theme together)and many of the grudges that we hold seem ridiculous. It does make you stop and appreciate your family and friends and your life in general.

I will be really annoyed if it is true though because I have spent the day cleaning and doing laundry. If today was the last day ever, I would be on a plane right now to pick up my family and friends, go to some tropical destination and party right until the end. How would you spend it?

Smoking vs. Possible Mania

2011-05-15T14:07:00.000-07:00

I have been working really hard and doing a million things on the weekends and recently have been drawn back into having the occasional cigarette. It went from one after work to way more than one on the weekends. I kicked this disgusting habit a while back and am very disappointed that it has snuck it's way back into my life. Stress or no stress there is no excuse. Something that had been reserved for a crazy night out or when gaming at a casino has become an everyday thing. NOT OK.

Aside from the obvious damage it does to your health, the aging effects are also awful. I had a pet sitting job this weekend and this morning one of the dogs got loose on the walk. I frantically chased her down having a mild panic attack as she headed towards the busy street. After I caught her, my immediate reaction was that I wanted a cigarette.

So I made the decision that this is it. It's now or never. A friend I know is on Chantix and said it works wonderfully. I have it and just took the first pill. The side effects are a bit frightening- hostility, suicidal thoughts or actions, aggression, panic, mania, etc. My friend has had none of these, just strange dreams, so I am hoping that I will not. I can deal with strange dreams. I have them anyway. My sister has them too. She once had a dream that she was riding through town on a giant mechanical Big Bird.

The mania part is a bit frightening though. Mania? Good God. I don't have time to go insane. Wish me luck.

WARNING: H&M Bikini Side Effects: Depression, Urge to Drink

2011-05-13T15:43:00.000-07:00

Summer is here and a family vacation that does not involve a casino is right around the corner. I was excited to go bikini shopping and have had luck in years past at H&M. It had been a busy day at work and retail therapy seemed like the perfect solution. After a running shoplifter almost knocked me and a few others down, I shook it off and entered the store that at one time had been a mecca of great finds. Not this time.

I had never been to this one before but H&M is pretty easy to figure out. Sort of. The crap is to the left, the wearable stuff to the right. I saw the bikinis right away. A teal one caught my eye and it looked perfect.

It didn’t not have those awful tie bottoms that come off the second you dive in a pool and I thought I had found the one. The sizes at H&M always are a little daunting. At H&M I am size elephant. I have always sucked that up though because the clothes are cheap and usually on trend.

I went into the dressing room and struggled to get the thing on. The lighting reminded me of being in a 7-11 at 2am and the clasp in the back was hard to fasten. Once on, I did the slow turn of hell. And there I was. It looked like I was wearing a diaper on the bottom and a rubber band around my chest. I am no Tori Spelling but definitely not the flat mess that stood before me. Suddenly I was reminded of Jim Carrey back on In Living Color as Vera De Milo.

My hair was even pulled back. I quickly struggled to get out of the thing and threw it on the floor.

H&M needs to have warning sign on their dressing room doors like prescription medications do – may cause depression, mood swings, loss of appetite. I asked the cashier if the bikini sizes ran small. She said no. I bought sunglasses and left.

May Madness

2011-05-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

Sorry, it has been awhile since I have written. A new project at work has been keeping me busy and by the end of the day all creativity has been drained. But this morning after watching the news inspiration hit. Never a dull moment here in Los Angeles. The news has gotten so comical that I actually have starting recording it in the mornings. Car chases have always gone on but this year the crazy bar seems to have been raised. I am not sure which is better - The man running in a bathrobe or the crazy woman who stole a tow truck in her underwear. Both are amazing in their own ways. I had to also throw in another amazing story done on the “Shake Weight” that goes above and beyond.

Erik Estrada Lives There My Ass

2011-04-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

Pyramid Schemes. My last experience with one of these was when my roommate and I were roped into one a few years ago at our apartment complex. The crazy lady upstairs was holding it and being that she frequently would let us into the complex at 2am when we had again “lost” our keys, we felt we owed it to her so we went. My roommate immediately knew it was a pyramid scheme but the offering of free wine was enticing and I made sure to get a few glasses in before we sat in the living room with about 10 others on uncomfortable folding chairs as some guy in a suit was trying to sell us into an insurance scheme. Midway, the crazy lady’s father stood up and yelled “This is bullshit!” and stormed out of the room.

When I was younger I was roped into one of these. Going door to door selling imitation perfume in 105 degree heat with the promise of “my own office” in the near future. The people that run these are really sneaky. They prey on people who may not have a lot of business experience and believe their bullshit or young people like myself who were just entering the working world. We had morning “meetings” where half of it was spent insulting the person who had quit (which was daily). It was their way of putting fear into us. We knew if we walked out or quit we would be the subject of such ridicule. One day we arrived for our “morning meeting” to an empty office space. They had fled town. I felt really bad for the older guy Russ who really was excited about getting his own office. I had once let him drink out of my Gatorade bottle in front of Walmart on one of our “selling outings” and told him to keep it after he handed it back and it smelled like his mouth. But I still look back and feel really bad over his excitement.

These schemes are endless. Whether it be selling knives, insurance, property, vaccums or immitation perfume, the lines they use are always she same. You will make so much money doing nothing! It is so easy! What would you do with an extra million dollars a month!!?? Just doing a basic search on Craigslist I found one in under a minute http://losangeles.craigslist.org/sfv/tfr/2313498950.html

This video of Erik Estrada has to be one of the worst examples. I am assuming he was hard up for money but selling useless swampland to people wanting a piece of the “California Dream” (then he sold the Arkansas dream, etc)? Oh Erik.

The Ex Factor

2011-04-03T23:21:00.001-07:00

I don't know about you but after a break up I go on a whole self improvement bender that usually lasts for a few months and then I get back to my normal self. I work out daily, adopt a new diet and vow to look better than I ever have in my entire life. I pay more attention to what I am wearing and try to do something with my hair in the mornings. And why? Because of that wonderful thought that you will run into them looking amazing and they will be begging for you back, weeping at your feet as your laugh in their face like in the movies. But this never happens. Ever.

No. You will run into him/her when it is 10am on a Sunday morning when you are hungover at a liquor store purchasing a pack of Parliment lights and a few lottery tickets. Neither of the two are on your normal shopping list but that day they are. The smudged stamp(s) on your wrist screams " I HAVEN'T SHOWERED YET!" and you realize your sweatshirt is stained and your yoga pants are dangerously bordering on the cameltoe side. "Why NOW" you think as your mind flashes back to a mere 12 hours ago when you looked amazing and the night was young. You scurry away like a rat hoping that they didn't recognize you but as you cross the street trying to walk normally you know they did. They did. So much for the "Doing so much better without you in my life" look you had been hoping to have for that run in one day. After anyone sees you looking homeless buying lottery tickets and cigarettes on a Sunday morning just call it a wash.

Hulk Hogan Would Be Proud

2011-04-01T21:10:00.000-07:00

Something I did today frightened me. It was 6pm, and myself and a co-worker were leaving the building. We pushed the elevator button to the ground floor and it rang finally but then suddenly started to close. Like in an action movie I leaped and jumped in front of the closing doors holding them open with an arm strength I never knew I had. I pulled them apart and I think I may have even growled as I held them open. After we laughed until I nearly needed adult diapers he said "Don't throw any cars on your way home" I have since checked my face for odd hair.

And At What Pace..

2011-02-25T22:09:00.001-08:00

I have been asked where the name of this blog come from. It stems from a screenplay I am writing but it's original roots begin 10 years ago.

I was fresh out of college and the world was my oyster. I had a degree in legal studies and another in sociology. So naturally I decided to apply for a rental car company. In my defense, it did require a college degree, which I still question why.

I worked at a very high end branch with demanding customers. We all had to wear suits regardless of the weather and wash the cars ourselves. There was a "car prep" but he was often seen sneaking off to go smoke weed and maybe washed 10 cars at most a day.

I look back at every job I have ever had in my entire life and this job was more wearing than the drive thru at Taco Bell or that horrific job I took selling imitation perfumes in front of public places as a teenager. I will never forget the day I broke down in 103 heat at an AmPm with my box of crap.

Anyway, yes so I have known hell but nothing could have prepared me for this. I am a very hard worker so it wasn't so much the 12 hour days. It was more the emotional toll that the days took to reach me to the breaking point of giving the director of HR a lapdance at the company picnic.

My first day was full of hope and joy. I was sent off to some hotel for orientation for a week where I learned (still can't recall) and met fellow new co-workers. Mostly it was a huge party. The future was bright.

Wearing my new black suit from The Limited I walked in with confidence that was depleted in about 15 minutes. A Nextel (it's like a Walkie Talkie but not fun) was shoved into my hand and I was growled at to go pick up a customer at the Mercedes dealership. Not knowing where that was (this is before the days of TomTom's and navigators) I headed off in the wrong direction and 30 minutes later my Nextel was beeping like a crazy demon. "WHERE ARE YOU??!" I remember hearing as I ran a red stop light. "I DON'T KNOW!" I screamed in panic. I returned to the branch. Another "management trainee" had done the task. I had never before felt such stress so quickly. It was the beginning of the end.

Days passed and I learned the ropes. My assistant manager would crawl under his desk daily and announce how much he hated his job and would nap. No matter what I could not please my manager.

I dreaded washing the cars more than anything. Often the car they had waited for (an hour late) was filthy and I ran downstairs to grab the crappy garden hose and soap and try to make the damn thing presentable. I learned fast that just because the customer has a reservation does not mean there is a car which still to this day baffles me. There I was scrubbing the car in my Limited Suit (which by this point I had sweated through and reeked) and trying to vacuum the best I could. Imagine the show "Supermarket Sweep" time frame but with no reward at the end except to pull the car up still half filthy because the garage was dark that it was washed in, to displeased people that had been waiting over an hour for their economy vehicle which had now been "upgraded" to a packer van. And of course the customer took it out on you as you tried to sell them the insurance with a desperation a Tijuana hooker would admire. And this is where the phrase "And At What Pace Would You Like Your Handjob Sir?" came into being. I would whisper it to co-workers when demanding customers were screaming at me.

Months passed and I cried often. I was living with my boyfriend at the time and he noted I couldn't speak when I got home. I just wanted to go to bed. I am convinced the reason I had that job is to meet one of my best friends that I still have today. Stuck in the same hell we had bonded.

I will never forget one of the most stressful days before the end. Dropping off three old women in a Dodge Ram who were bitching the entire way, my Nextel beeping off the chain, I hit a speed bump going at least 60 mph and the Ram when air born. The women flipped out screaming to get out of the car. Nobody had been injured but I knew I was over it.

The day of the company pool party had arrived and I was irritated. I lived 45 minutes away and it was on a Sunday. My one day of rest. I arrived but soon headed towards the open bar. Long story short I gave the director of HR a lap dance and shoved the corporate kiss ass into the pool. I then told off one of the known manager perverts for trying to get with his staff and left. I quit the next day.

The Second Time Around

2011-02-21T23:14:00.000-08:00

The Atkins diet. I just returned from a 7 mile walk and tomorrow I will begin it again. Summer is coming fast so I've decided it's time to lose the winter chunk. Even though I have been losing weight I want to lose more and for some reason that damn diet works for me. And quickly. If I have one more Lean Cuisine I think I am just going to call it a day and eat cardboard instead. It would save money and taste the same.

The first time I did it was years ago and I lost over 20 pounds and kept it off for a really long time. A friend and I were having lunch and I noticed that she had removed the bread from her sandwich. I was curious as to why and after she explained it to me there was not turning back. That is one thing I can give myself credit for, nothing is ever done less than a million percent. I was obsessed. The first two weeks marks the "induction" phase which means you can have a total of 20 carbs a day. Of course I stretched out this phase far longer than I should have because the weight loss was insane. I became amazing at knowing the carb count in almost anything. There were strips that you could pee on that would tell you if you were still burning fat or not. There was no better feeling than seeing dark purple (the highest level). I was always jealous that her strips turned dark purple way more often.

This went on for months and I quickly learned the lay of the land. She introduced me to the protein style burger at In and Out, beer was exchanged for vodka tonics (diet tonic as I found out after being horrified after downing 2 one night only to learn how many carbs regular tonic water had in it) and sugar free jello becomes your best friend. One thing about the Atkins diet is that you really need to be careful if you do drink. One drink = five. I learned that the hard way when I woke up one morning in the cat litter box.

I had to be down to a size 4 when I finally stopped. My friend came over and there was a box of stale donuts that my ex had left out on the counter. Suddenly like savage wolves we were stuffing them in our mouths on the floor. It was the end.

This time around I am going to do it mostly by the book again but concentrate more on adding vegetables and the healthier options rather than eating a block of cheese or shoving a stick of butter in my mouth.

Every Kiss Begins With KY

2011-02-10T10:52:00.000-08:00

Ahh Valentine’s Day. You really can’t escape it. You can’t walk into a CVS without a Stuffed Bear staring you down or a chocolate rose brushing your ass at the check stand. Every network is airing their Valentine’s episodes and you can’t watch a commercial without a KY lube commercial or one of those awful Kay Jewelers commercials such as the one where the lightning bolt strikes and she jumps into his arms where he declares “Don’t worry, I’m here..And I always will be” (which to me sounds more threatening than romantic).

Yesterday 90210 even aired the episode where Andrea Zuckerman lost her virginity to her college advisor. So gross and another topic for another day.

Valentine’s Day never really meant a lot to me. I did have one really good one though where we had dinner on top of a San Francisco building and it was very romantic. Other than that the holiday never really excited me, if anything, it stressed me out. Guys are hard to shop for. This year I do not have to worry. No boyfriend so no stress. BUT if I did have one here is what my Valentines wish list would be:

1.Hire someone to clean my apartment
2.Get my car washed
3.Write or make something that is unique that is not store bought as long it is not an awful T-shirt with our picture on it in a wine glass/or a rose

See. Simple. Jewelry is great but often years down the line I go through my jewelry box and can’t tell you who gave me (stole for me most likely) what and when. Something that would save me time would be the best gift. A big box of KY would be funny but hard to store in my small place and confusing to explain to company.

"And this bird you can not change"

2011-01-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

I have lived in my complex for over two years now and have never had a noise complaint until these new upstairs neighbors moved in. I live in a noisy part of town where midnight fights and public urination are the norm so to be complained about it pretty difficult. A string of bars and clubs line the street and people are yelling until about 2am almost every night. I am a very heavy sleeper so this has never bothered me. You would almost have to hire a marching band at 3am and even then I am not sure if that would warrant a call to my landlord. I have had a few houseguests over the last few months but we are always in bed early on the weeknights and the only "noise" would be the TV on low from the living room.

This year my birthday fell on a Saturday so I had a small gathering. We were out most of the night and returned around 1am and everyone was asleep by 2. I went to bed thinking nothing of it. I was shocked that the next morning I got a call from my landlord about a noise complaint from the upstairs neighbors.

My upstairs neighbors. Never have I met a couple so dull. The girl works but the guy does not. He spends his days strumming hippie music on his guitar and unfortunately has been singing along as well lately. Many a morning have I awoke to “Free Bird” being strummed over and over on the weekends and much like that one movie have fanaticized about running upstairs and smashing his guitar on the balcony. But I have never once thought about complaining. I wanted to keep the peace though so after the complaint I apologized to them mentioning that it had been my birthday over 30 times and gave them my phone number if they ever had an issue in the future.

I have cats who knock the litter out of the box sometimes. Knowing the guy sleeps in I wait until the last hour to vacuum if I need to in the morning. And on the days that I have so dared sure enough I hear stomping upstairs minutes later which is his way of letting me know I have woken him up. This weekend I had a realization about this nonsense. I work hard during the week so my weekends are precious. I want to be able to have people over if I choose to. Just because they are dull and go to bed every night at 10am on the weekends this really isn’t my problem. Why they would chose to live in one of the noisiest parts of LA is beyond me.

Anyway, this came to mind because last night I have decided that this is THE year to lose all of the weight that I can so running is the fastest and best way for me. I used to run almost every day. I have a treadmill in the living room that folds out, far from the bedroom but when I run it definitely makes some noise. To obtain my goal I am going to have to do this at least 4 times a week for at least 30 minutes at around 7:30am to make it to work on time. After work I am way too tired and sometimes get home pretty late so the morning is my only option if I am going to stick to a schedule. The girl leaves for work around 7 which leaves sloth. I didn’t do it this morning and am worried that this is going to warrant a complaint but I am going for it tomorrow. Who cares if I wake him up? He doesn’t work! We will see.

Job Offer

2011-01-21T21:43:00.000-08:00

Just when I have settled in to what is an amazing position an even better offer from another company was laid on the table today. I am really conflicted because I am very happy where I am so this is another one of those forks in the road. My job now is amazing. I love everyone and work for a huge network. The job offered was another marketing position in a smaller firm but the opportunities for growth are huge. I have really grown attached to both my job and my co-workers. We laugh so hard I feel guilty for getting paid everyday. We shall see. Details to come next week.

Easy Ways To Lose Weight Without Exercising

2011-01-11T13:54:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows if you run a million miles a day you will lose weight. And exercise is great for your health. But with a busy work schedule and if are harder to wake up in the morning than someone with a coma sometimes that resolution to run or exercise every morning becomes very unrealistic. My mom keeps insisting I reveal what eating disorder I have and won’t accept anything less as an answer. I have never had an eating disorder and love food way too much to be anorexic and hate throwing up so… I have lost almost 10 pounds without exercising daily just by just doing these simple things over the last few months.

1. I have an apple on my way to work. This fills me up until lunch
2. For lunch I have a Lean Cuisine. If eaten slowly it almost feels like a meal. Key word: SLOWLY
3. I have an afternoon snack or shake. Usually a piece of fruit or some almonds.
4. I eat whatever for dinner but try to eat before 7 if possible. Sometimes this means pre-planning if I know I will be at work later or going out.
5. I have cut out all dairy. A friend told me that a long time ago and I love cheese so this was hard but after a while you get used to it. I use the lactose fat free milk in my coffee and while at first you gag it down you become used to it. Whole milk is almost disgusting to me now.
6. Drink less. Alcohol has so many calories. If you do go out, skip dinner. The calories should even out.
7. You don’t have to be strange about it, but sort of keep count of how many calories you have consumed in a day. You burn 1200 or around that doing nothing and just living. So, if you only eat that amount you will not gain weight. If you eat less you will lose weight. And if you exercise you can eat more and subtract that.

Now that the holidays are over I plan on hopping back on the exercise train but these easy to follow steps have helped in the meantime.
*At first you will feel really hungry but just stick to it and those large portions will seem impossible to finish. ..Although I almost wanted to tackle a guy who had a Hungry Man in the kitchen the other day.

Bottom Feeders

2011-01-07T12:57:00.000-08:00

My friend has been in a great relationship with an amazing guy for over 3 years. He is smart, successful, treats her well and is good looking. Both of us are intelligent, have great careers and are hardly trolls. So why does she date amazing guys and I always seem to date.. for lack of a better word,losers. After holiday talk, the topic turned to my dating life in LA (I should have fled the room at that point) and saying it out loud was not only hilarious but also horrifying. I have only dated a few guys here but every single one had one thing in common. They all lived with their parents. I cannot really pinpoint when this awful trend started but
I do know that it needs to stop. We are at an age where this should be a huge warning sign right up there with having the word "clinic" come up in every conversation or borrowing money from you. If you are anywhere near 30 and have a job you should have your own place or at least a roommate. Of course I jumped on the defense trying to list the good points and all I could come up with was that they all “showered daily” and “had jobs.” The last one in particular was extremely good looking so the living with his parents thing was overlooked quickly at the time.

After she looked horrified and slightly disgusted we laughed for half an hour and then I realized that if these were my key selling points something needed to change. “Showered Daily?!” Is this all I could come up with? I am surrounded by adorable, successful men yet am constantly drawn to men who are as my friend put it “bottom feeders.” Dating a bottom feeder is acceptable when you are young and stupid but at my age there is no excuse for it. In the past a bottom feeder to me has been a drug addict or someone who was awful to you. Luckily that trend ended so now I am at least one up on the loser chain. I recently was approached by another bottom feeder. I quickly cancelled the date as soon as it had been made. I was not going to go down that road again. I already know the ending. So we decided this was the year to cast away the bottom feeders. It’s time to meet quality men. I think this is probably one of the most brick wall realizations I have ever had. I always knew my standards were low but discussing it out loud made me want to crawl into a hole out of embarrassment. Cheers to the New Year and men who can hold their own and actually bring something to the table… not make me want to crawl under one.

The Stages of Christmas Shopping Parking

2010-12-21T20:15:00.000-08:00

I will never forget the year that I circled the mall for well over an hour and a half on Christmas Eve searching for parking. One really could go mad in this process. You go through a few stages during this nightmare feat.

First you are hopeful. NO problem! You will be one of the lucky ones and will find something quickly and be in and out. Those other people are unlucky idiots. Your favorite song comes on the radio and you sing along. 'Oh! Her outfit is cute' you think as you slowly enter into the garage.

Then after about 15 minutes you become slightly irritated questioning why you waited so long to shop,why you didn't eat dinner, why you gulped down that water bottle before leaving work, etc. But still...hopeful.

The 30 minute mark is when the crazy starts to come out. You scan the parking lot like a volture in search of the nearest rat. Someone is leaving! Oh wait no they aren't... You drive on. Some jerk with a stroller is pretending to be leaving but really isn't just getting something out of the trunk. You spot a newly vacant space in the distance but it is so far. You have no chance. You go for it anyway thinking the 30 other cars in front of you won't see it and sure enough your efforts become fruitless as the it is taken in under a second.

40 minutes in you really start to become extremely irritable. All calls are immediately directed to voicemail. You scan through the radio like a violent crackhead with no song appeasing you. Normally it lands on a Spanish station or Christian soft rock but it doesn't matter. At that point,like a 10 hour road trip, you aren't even listening anymore.

The hour mark is where you are certifiable. 'What is that dumb bitch wearing?' you think as you circle floor 5 for the 16th time. The person in the Santa hat make you want to jump from your car and leap on them. You don't know Spanish but yet you are singing along anyway.

Suddenly there they are and there you are. A space. They are leaving right there! You have never been so excited in your life. Everything in your life has led up to this moment of success. They back out slower than hell but you do not care. They could push the car out of the space and you would be happy. Victory! And then.. some jerkoff in a huge truck swoops in from behind you and takes your space.

No joke this happened. And to add insult to injury the jerk laughed and walked off. I just sat in my car in shock that this had really just happened. By this point I had to go to the bathroom so bad I debated wetting my pants but decided not to. Who would do this! WHO! I ignored the honking behind me as I took it all in.

I finally found parking half an hour later but had noted mentally where the asshole had parked. After calling my mother and verifying what counted as property damage I was able to stick my gum under his door handles. A immature gesture I know but when I think of that bastard coming out of the mall and opening his car door so smug and feeling that disgusting wad of gum smeared under his door handle I still smile.

Happy shopping! OH and this year I did it almost a month early.

That Poor Child

2010-12-15T13:35:00.000-08:00

A friend had posted this link on Facebook

http://pregnantchicken.squarespace.com/pregnant-chicken-blog/2010/12/10/awkward-pregnancy-photos.html

and it was too good not to share. These top Glamour Shots and those awful pictures couples take at the mall in a wine glass or with a wet rose as the backdrop. This is also timely as many of my friends have just had babies. These are my favorites:

"Oh Look! It’s Big Bird and Oscar and….?"

2010-12-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

Being domestic has never been one of my stronger suits. Well I take that back. I can clean really well but that is where it ends. Crafts are annoying and time consuming and I realized that I wasn’t good at these in the 7th grade when I failed sewing because I hot glue gunned my whale pillow together because stitching it together just wasn’t working. Looking back I think that I should have received an A just for my time management and problem solving skills. Soon after I learned to knit and gave that up just as quickly. Years later I attempted sewing again trying to make my own Halloween costume. I had decided on Snuffaluffagus and other friends took on Big Bird, etc. I bought brown cloth and brown yarn and used newspaper to make the long snout. Long story short, I ended up looking like a vagina. The brown yarn did not look like fur and the trunk was just confusing.

Despite this problem I have with crafts in general, nothing can compare to cooking, the category where I have failed the most. In college I took a job working with developmentally disabled adults and was put on kitchen duty. I quickly was taken off when the residents became ill each time I cooked. The night nurses were complaining about the disgusting “clean up” and I was moved back to cleaning and recreation tasks. Later I learned that it had something to do with lactose intolerance but I was scarred for years. “Cooking” soon became picking up something from a deli or microwaving a Lean Cuisine.

Recently a friend had a Halloween event where we all carved pumpkins using stencils. She is one of those people who is amazing at pulling off almost anything and every detail down to the adorable gift bags were perfect. Right when I saw the stencils I knew mine was not going to look like that. I chose the easiest looking one, a haunted house, and was convinced to make mine look good. I shunned any wine and was more determined than ever to make mine perfect. No distractions and alcohol was a leading factor in why my Christmas stocking ended up looking like something a 5 year old did that was backed over a few times by a car. Nobody had any pumpkin carving experience (I am still convinced this was a lie) and one girl even free- handed her design. A few hours later we lined up our pumpkins and sure enough mine looked like something a toddler had done. The others would have won prizes.

So naturally with all of this said I decided to enter the company baking contest this year. I do have the advantage of a friend’s amazing recipe but I can assure you that something will not work. I have already had to look up “sifting” and it looked annoying. I am determined to win this damn thing though and have set my sights on it. Wish me luck.

Giving Thanks

2010-11-24T20:35:00.000-08:00

This year despite the extreme lows now I am so pleased to have a lot to be thankful for. I am going to list them now. (in no order of importance)

1.The Shake Weight commercial. If you are in a bad mood just play this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbsSeVr5NSI
2.My shelter family. Volunteering at the shelter I have made so many new friends and have helped adopted out many animals. I couldn't imagine living here without going there on the weekends.
3.My pets. My two adorable cats Vegas and Diablo for sticking by my side always whether it be for food, to paw at my face at 3am for no reason or to comfort me when crying. Pets are amazing! Adopt one!
4.My job. I have had so much luck over the last 8 years. I have worked with the most amazing people. My career is taking off and I couldn't be happier.
5. My family. Wow, I have a great one. No matter what obstacle we overcome it. No matter what happens I know I can always turn to them. I am so exteremly lucky.
6. My friends. I have the most amazing, loyal and hilarious friends on earth. Many I have know for over 15 years. I love them so much!
7. My life! This Thanksgiving our family adopted another one and it really hits you hard at how much you do have when you see their "wish" lists. I am so lucky and blessed to have the life that I do and I hope to give the most back to this world that I possibly can! Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

What Not to Say at Work

2010-11-15T16:34:00.000-08:00

This Forbes article was too much. They list ten but in the essence of time I just listed my favorites. My own commentary is in italics. Who in the hell would be this stupid??! I think this article was meant to be a joke. It has to be.

What Not to Say at Work
http://www.forbes.com/2010/11/08/what-not-to-say-at-work-career-forbes-woman-leadership-coworkers_slide_10.html

"Are you pregnant? Can I feel?"
Never ask a woman if she's pregnant. The awkwardness and self-esteem shattering that occurs when she says she's not is best avoided. At the same time, asking to feel a coworker's third-trimester belly is never appropriate. Do so only if she invites it.
I’ve never actually gotten this at work but have in public. AWFUL and I think I have touched on the pregnant thing a few times. This should be categorized also under What Not to Say Ever.

"I'd like to blow this place up."
In today's environment, this type of hyperbole could be taken seriously by a coworker. At the very least, someone might become fearful or distrustful of you. At most, you may be reported and investigated
I love how this is casually thrown in. If someone said this at work I would run. I consider it scary that this is said enough to make the list. I have heard the standard “F*ck this hellhole”, etc muttered but never something this drastic. I would probably laugh just out of shock but be terrified of that person from that day on.

"You voted for him? Are you stupid?"
Political talk is not banned from the workplace, but it must be handled delicately. People very easily get riled up, so take care not to voice feelings of anger or judgment when talking about a candidate or race.
Politics and religion are not wise things to discuss ever with anyone you are not close with. Things can get heated quickly. The “Are you stupid?” part would make me laugh though.

"That %&*# idiot! I can't believe that @$#&!"
Violent or angry cursing reflects on your personality and work style. Management might consider you a "loose cannon" and hesitate to put you in front of important clients.
I actually laugh when people flip out and start swearing from their offices. My favorite part of the explanation is that management “might” consider you a loose cannon. Might?

"Oh my god, I have the worst diarrhea."
Talking about bodily functions or gory medical details is never OK in the office. Not only will your colleagues begin to distance themselves from you, it's impossible to predict who else might be nearby.
Again I would laugh but consider that person repulsive from that point on. So many of these can transfer over to everyday life not just the workplace. But again, I would laugh.

"Who's that hot new babe on the 10th floor?"
It's always a no-no to reference the physical attractiveness of colleagues or potential hires. Even if meant as a joke, it could be overheard and make someone uncomfortable. When complimenting someone on their appearance, keep it PG and specific, like a new haircut or outfit.
Again I would laugh because of the use of the wording “hot new babe?”

I guess I would laugh at most of these but then again I laugh at almost anything inappropriate. Happy Monday everyone!

**I have one of my own to share. Even when asked, keep your "worst ex-boyfriend" stories to something normal. Always let others go first before you share about the time your ex-boyfriend's friend went #2 all over your bathroom and used your guest towels to "clean it up" and you are still bitter. Chances are nobody can relate to that one.

Birthday Thoughts

2010-11-12T10:17:00.000-08:00

The thought of getting old terrifies me. But instead of curling up in the fetal position while researching the latest fillers I have a different attitude this year. Birthdays are always a time to reflect back on the year and wow what a year it has been. It was a time of hardship for my family but we survived it and came out stronger than ever. I rid my life of all things negative and so many amazing things have happened since. Friends have gotten married, babies have been born, I found an amazing new job and have made so many new wonderful friends and have reunited with old ones. I can’t remember the last time I was this happy. Rarely do I get sentimental but I had to share these thoughts. One thing that this year has taught me is that no matter how bad things get, they will get better. There is a light at the end of that tunnel so keep on trucking and don’t give up. **And no, I am not drunk.

Viva Las Vegas

2010-11-06T11:43:00.000-07:00

With my birthday around the corner I was starting to worry that I was becoming a little too boring in my old age. A recent Las Vegas trip was just what I needed to get back into the spirit of having fun. I have been way to productive and responsible lately.

Las Vegas. My parents took us there once a year and always stuck us in Circus Circus. I remember watching the people drinking and gambling and knew this would be me one day. I often tried to "sneak" and play the slot machines but was always caught. I hated Circus Circus and my 21st birthday could not come fast enough. When it did there was no turning back. Like an animal I went to Las Vegas a few times a year and would gamble until the sun came up. I often would win and my favorite machines were the Wheel of Fortunes at the Flamingo which I think is torn down now. I would dance at every club and walk around with a drink strapped around my neck that was taller than me.

The buffet has always been a bonding experience for my family. We would stay for hours. My brother often would take a nap in the booth and then wake up again to go eat more. Like Thanksgiving we ate quietly and with haste. Conversation was out of the question and if anyone spoke they were just ignored. It was frowned upon if you had any portion control but that never was an issue.

Ah Las Vegas. I love that town and this trip was no different. Dressed as Snooki I proudly walked the strip with amazing friends and had another crazy Vegas night. Snooki would have been proud.

Really?

2010-10-29T07:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I was watching the news and they were warning parents of the "sneaky" packaging of candy this year. When I was little we had to worry about razor blades in the Snickers bars and yes I can see how that would be terrifying to a parent since there are no detectable signs like razor blade art on the Snickers wrapper.

I understand this has and always will be a serious issue, but this news segment was over the top ridiculous. The camera scanned to a table full of candy with very clear drug art. My favorite was the hold on the "Potcorn" for a good 10 seconds. I'm still confused as to what part of this wrapper is sneaky. As a parent, if you can't figure out by just looking at it that it maybe isn't standard popcorn there are bigger issues at hand.

How To Avoid Looking Like An Ass at Work 101

2010-10-28T16:01:00.000-07:00

These are a few quick fundamental rules that will save your dignity in the workplace. These will not be told to you in any orientation and are invaluable.

1.Do not ever hook up with a co-worker. Ever. Even if nobody finds out it’s stupid and unless you both were lucky enough to blackout guaranteed you remember enough to hide in shame for weeks. If this person works on a different floor this rule is void.
2.Those damn group bonding outings are a disaster waiting to happen and avoid these whenever possible. At the last one I went to we made the mistake of playing two truths and a lie only to find out some horrifying things about a co-worker including that his aunt was a prostitute who used heroin. The other “truth” was even worse.
3.Keep your personal life personal. When asked about who you are seeing “some guy” or girl will do just fine. Further details are unnecessary and I like to nip it quickly with “I doubt you will ever meet him, he’s really stupid ” This is usually followed by a quick laugh and the subject is dropped.
4.Do not flirt with the security guards when you are hired just to gain a few extra minutes in the morning. Saving your dignity and not getting the sickening wink is worth the three seconds it takes to get out your badge.

These were just a few that came to mind and feel free to add your own.

Happy Thursday

Through Thick And Thin

2010-10-14T09:38:00.000-07:00

This morning I heard something on the radio that really made me mad. They were talking about the things people have done to get their significant others back after doing something wrong. Most of the stories were really cute. One guy had dressed up as Scooby Doo and sat on the street corner until she took him back. Others sent flowers and the usual crap. One guy even bought the girl a car (I suspect multiple cheating episodes on that one). But then this woman called in and said that she had lost 75 pounds to keep her husband. Apparently her husband of 25 years was “embarrassed to be seen with her in public” and threatened to leave her.

She explained that she had been a size 7 years ago and after giving birth to twins had gained over 100 pounds. Everyone was praising her for losing the weight and I almost called in. What asshole threatens to leave his wife over her weight!? I was horrified. Especially if she gained it giving birth to twins! If I get pregnant I will gain weight. It runs in my family and guaranteed I will turn into a little chunk for a while. And my husband will be ok with this. Actually he will not only ok but will tell me I look beautiful every day as he spoon feeds me ice cream.

Baby Fever

2010-10-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

Lately almost everyone that I know is pregnant. Normally someone being pregnant is just a "Yeah! Congrats!" text and a quick trip online to Babies R Us. But this time it is like 5 people at once - And all very close to me. I once was the host of a baby shower many years ago for an ex-boyfriend's friend's girlfriend as a favor. I knew nothing about babies and had the usual cheese/cracker platter. I made great games (my forte') which seemed to go over well and had fantastic prize bags that I had spent hours on. Next to the cheese platter and dip selection was of course a full bar which everyone took full advantage of (I think the pregnant girl did too from what I recall) After we beat the hell out of the stork pinata and some minor property damage to my apartment it was over.

I realized today that I am turning 33 soon. It doesn't help that EVERYONE I work with has just given birth and has at least one or two children. These people are all my age. I couldn't help but think, when will I do this? I eyed the cute guy down the hall (the only one who is not married or gay) and realized that suddenly I was in that "clock is ticking" category. I had a feeling of panic. Sure, I have agreed to sire my gay friend's baby in four years but what about having one of my own? I dated a guy for 7 years and it took me all of that time to figure out he was not "the one." Actually, I knew it long before but still.. Have you ever left someone after that long? NOT easy to leave.

I realized when I was ordering baby crap for the world this week that I wanted one. But my God when? And with who? I would have to know him for at least 2 years before I could decide. That is when I have really seen some true colors. And that would put me at 35 if I met "the one" tomorrow. Panic! I do not want to become one of those "El desperado" women who size men up for "would our baby be cute" potential but now I can't help it. He can NOT have curly hair or a bad nose. It would look like hell.

My Favorite Movie

2010-09-23T13:25:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time that I felt embarrassed about my taste in Movies and Television. I was sitting in a screenwriting class in LA and we were asked to list our favorite movies and then were called on to announce them to the class. I had listed some of my favorites, Cabin Boy, etc. and after about three people took their turns I suddenly felt very embarrassed by my list. Everyone else’s lists consisted of foreign films and classic Oscar movies. I remember suddenly wanting to flee from the room and felt out of place. What was I doing there? Who was I kidding? I clearly did not have the refined tastes that these others did and although I had seen a majority of these films, and yes, these are great films.. they were not my “favorites” which was the assignment.

I have always been at odds with others in this category. I love some scripted shows but there is nothing like a great VH1 reality show at the end of the day and I have always looked forward to seeing one of Bret Michael’s “ladies” throw herself off of the tour bus and roll around on a speed bump. Clearly I am not the only person who feels this way and I am pretty sure it would be difficult to find a major TV or cable network that does not have a reality show in some form. This may not be academy award winning material but I like watching it and find it extremely entertaining. If you do not like it, do not watch it. Period. One thing about Los Angeles that I have noticed is how judgmental some people are. Just this week someone made a comment that made me feel like yet again my tastes were lowbrow.

If we all had the same ideas and liked the same things this world would be a pretty boring place. Not being afraid to admit to what you truly are passionate about takes courage. Sure, I could lie about what I would like to produce or write about and I am sure it would impress far more than my real opinion. I just as easily could have lied in that class and changed my list to movies that I knew were “acceptable” favorites. But you know what? At the end of the day I love the movie Cabin boy and the Jersey Shore is fucking hilarious. So there! Stay true to yourself because that is where your best work will come from.

"Don't worry, the giant naked guy with the ball-gag is probably just taking care of feeding the cats"

2010-09-19T12:06:00.000-07:00

The title is a quote from a good friend of mine and nicely sums up the situation I am about to write about. When I was unemployed for a few months I took on pet sitting for a few friends. I enjoyed doing it and usually never charged them. Now that I have a full time job I do not have the time to do it as much but will still do it as a favor on the weekends from time to time.

I recently took on someone last minute as a favor and still can not get the images that I saw that day out of my head. In a rush on his way to the airport, the guy told me to meet his "groundskeeper" for the keys that afternoon. Normal so far, right? I headed over on my lunch break and there was a cheery note on the door to come in and get the keys on the table in the foyer. The second I opened the door I immediately knew that something was very wrong. I saw one of the cats but would not step into the house. The house was really creepy. All of the furniture looked like something out of a Harry Potter movie and there was this crazy chair with a projector in the living room. I called out for this groundskeeper over and over. I could hear noises in the back of the house but there was no way in hell I was taking another step inside. There were doors everywhere and even though it was a sunny day the house was dark and musty.

I am not a stranger to danger and have put myself in some really stupid situations. Once a friend and I almost had to jump from a cab in Tijuana when we realized that it was taking us into the middle of nowhere. Just the other week I let a stranger use my bathroom and then gave him quarters for laundry. Stupid. I know. But this house gave me chills like I have never experienced in my life. Crazy things went down there and I could feel it. After yelling out "HELLO!" for the tenth time, suddenly right in front of my face was a huge naked man. He had on white face powder and had hair like Johnny Depp in Willy Wonka. I jumped and he clutched his thing and screamed "Who in the fuck are you!?" He backed up like slowly like I was the one who was wearing the face paint and naked and when I told him I was the pet sitter getting the keys he scurried like a rabbit around the room saying he didn't know if he could give me the keys and knew nothing about it.

There are very few times when I am at a loss for words but this was one of them. He had stopped covering himself and I could not help but just stare at his thing since it was about eye level. Like a brick wall it suddenly hit me that they were probably filming in the back of the house and judging from the house and this naked guy it was an S&M film. This was not the groundskeeper and I needed to get out of there.
If S&M is your thing that is fine. I am definitely not a stranger to it as they sell masks and whips next to my pharmacy. BUT. If you are asking me to feed your cats in the middle of a porn shoot I do take issue with that. Long story short, and forty calls later to the owner of the house we agreed that naked guy would take care of the cats. Wow. Just when you think you've adjusted to Los Angeles something like this happens.

Just Say NO

2010-09-17T09:32:00.000-07:00

Our whole lives we are taught to work hard. It is the key to getting ahead, right? It took me 32 years to realize that no, this is not the case. I’m not saying do not work hard and do your job well but do not kill yourself doing it. Look around you. Is that person who stays late and takes on everything getting ahead? Probably not. I nearly had a breakdown doing this at my previous job and realized that people who were not doing half as much work were climbing the up the corporate ladder way faster. People that stay late and are the “yes” people are usually the ones that are stuck in the same position for years wondering why all of their hard work has not paid off. People do not respect this person’s time because that person has not made their time valuable enough. I share this with you now and I wish I had learned this years ago. Take pride in what you do and do it well but do not have a breakdown doing it. So leave on time, take your lunch breaks and learn to say “No.”

Huffing Paint In Junkyards

2010-09-11T09:38:00.000-07:00

My landlord called last night to tell me that a painter would be here this morning to paint over the growing crack in the living room wall. I wanted to point out that the that the drywall was falling apart and painting over it wasn't the going to solve the problem but was tired and just said "OK."

I have always loved the smell of fresh paint. Anything toxic really. When I was little I was always the one who huffed on the Mr. Sketch markers just a little longer than my classmates and to this day when using a Sharpie at work I tend to do the same. I have always loved the smell of gasoline and when I was little would jump out of the car to get a good inhale of the fumes as my dad pumped the gas. The painter coming and the wonderful thought of my apartment smelling of paint reminded me of a job I took in college at a car junkyard.

I know absolutely nothing about cars except the bare minimum. I can check my oil and tire pressure and that is about it. Although I have been with people during tire blowouts I am useless and am always the one handing over the tools bitching on the side of the freeway looking for snakes. So, you can imagine my surprise when a 50 year old man offered me a job in college at his car junkyard pulling parts for $17 an hour. Back then that was a ton of money. Even now to a college student it still is.

My job was basically to pull parts out of the dirty, wrecked cars and to "clean" the yard which was almost impossible. Mostly I just walked around using it as a tanning opportunity. He lived in a trailer in the middle of the junkyard and would bark out what "part" to pull. Often I wouldn't know what he was talking about and he would have to do it himself. But yet he kept me as an employee. All of this was under the table so my huge paychecks were worth every minute of me standing and doing nothing. The cars freaked me out and I hated even pretending to look for whatever he wanted in them. They were always filled with spider webs and I always left filthy.

I continued to do this for months. One day he called me into his trailer. I forget what he talked about but all I know is that the conversation ended in him showing me a drawer filled with his ex-wife's underwear and before I knew it I was huffing some sort of computer cleaner with him. Even as young and stupid as I was I knew this wasn't normal and quit about a week later. I wonder what ever happened to him. I am sure he was arrested for something.

Anyway, yes, so my apartment is being painted today.

The Perfect Gift For That Special Guy in Your Life that Just Doesn't Jerk Off Enough

2010-09-06T17:46:00.000-07:00

Nay, my bodice is not too tight.

2010-09-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

The month of September brings many things to mind. One of those things is the Renaissance Fair. Every year I always manage to drive by the Renaissance Fair signs in Gilroy and have always wondered about what it would be like to stop. Ever since the Cheaters episode where the girl caught her boyfriend dressed as a wench with the other guy dressed as Jesus (I think there was also a furry in the room) with a Disco ball and Christmas lights, I have been fascinated. What is it about this event that draws so many? Friends and I have entertained the notion of going for years but somehow it has never happened.

I once worked for an online media site and we had a man who submitted a "series" of himself on a horse with his maiden galloping through a forest with a sword screaming out things like "Who goes there foul wildabeast!" dressed in full medieval garb. The camera work was poor at best and the acting left something to be desired. I think his maiden even fell off of the horse once and the camera just kept rolling. Editing was rare and one "episode" often went on for a good 10 minutes. I love anyone who makes original content but after time it became clear that he was a bit delusional. After submitting the first few episodes with no response he grew irate that we would not pick it up as a series and the emails started getting more and more angry and insulting by the day.. we were idiots, didn't recognize talent, etc. I personally really enjoyed his videos. There was something very Chris Elliot Cabin Boy in his film approach but he definitely needed a few editing lessons or at least needed to turn on a light when filming at night.

Anyway, I have no idea what reminded me of that, oh yes the whole September Renaissance Fair thing. I doubt I will ever attend one of these. BUT a simple Google search and I now know that if I do I can learn the lingo at the nearest gas station before going in.

http://www.ehow.com/how_2284941_talk-like-belong-renaissance-faire.html

Fair thee well

Homesick

2010-08-29T21:43:00.000-07:00

Today was such a strange day. From the second that I woke up I felt really really homesick. I miss my family and it hit me today like a ton of bricks. Normally I am running around way too much to think but after another call with my mom and sister I wanted to cry. Suddenly I missed them so much. My sister was gong on about how disgusting this guy was that liked her whose "nose grew down to his mouth" and my mom was going on about something that made little sense and started singing a nursery rhyme. After I hung up I thought about calling my mom back and telling how much I missed her this but she would have immediately assumed I was intoxicated or would have asked if I was pregnant. Our family isn't big on mushy moments and it would have been odd.

Nothing that I did today helped either. I tried to be productive but no matter how busy I kept myself I kept thinking about them. I love LA and my new friends here and I know that I need to be here but a huge part of my heart is in Northern California. My family has been through hell and back this year and we have come out stronger than ever. I love them so much. I need to tell them that more often.

Urinating On Wildlife

2010-08-28T23:41:00.000-07:00

I'd be lying if I were to say that I had never done drugs. Aside from smoking crack there is probably not one I haven't tried in my life. I am no stranger to crazy situations but one day I just stopped. I had my reasons, (another blog post for another day), and when I stopped I mean that I stopped everything even smoking weed. I then chose to drink and never looked back.I just do not prefer it because it a. it makes me really tired and b. I eat like a slob at a Vegas buffet. I smoked it once a few years ago and thought the mafia was following me.

I just viewed a commercial on keeping kids off of Acid. This must be a huge problem now. Now? Acid. I have done Acid many times in my short life and can not tell you one good experience. The first time I freaked out and called my mother at 5am crying in the fetal position. The second time I peed on a deer (I think) and wandered into a forest until the next day. Another time I just remember petting my roommates fur coat until I realized it was once an animal and talked to it for hours on end while everyone laughed. I do not do well on psychedelic drugs.

My imagination and mind already work overtime so anything that alters that is not good. Mushrooms are the same. A few years ago I attended the "Harmony Festival" in Santa Rosa. A cute guy emerged and before I knew it a party had started and I am pretty sure I did both mushrooms and acid that night although the memory is still fuzzy. Long story short, I spent the next three days in the back of van only coming out to listen to music and get coconut milk for the tribe. I dressed myself in sheaths and was all about comfort. Being almost OCD about showering I still am not sure how this happened but I do remember wandering to a water fountain to bath but of course not before I had stopped to enjoy and appreciate the drummer for an hour near us. I was convinced that working and having responsiblities was not for me. I would stay in this van forever with these people. Reality finally stuck, like that first ray of light during a hungover of "Oh God I have to go to work this morning" and I am pretty sure I have never felt worse than the drive home. I had to pull over half way and stay at a friends because I was so dehydrated I almost fainted. Good times.

I do not do well on extacy either. At a party once years ago we were all on it and I was having the time of my life. I didn't realize that my friend was having sex with a guy and I wandered into the room and decided to have a full conversation about the meaning of life with them. I think I may of killed the mood.

Anyways, instead of being fun it always ended up being nothing short of a nightmare that I could not control. I am not saying that drinking is great. It too has caused me my fair share of problems but I still know who I am and feel somewhat in control. With alcohol you can stop and sober up but with Acid you really can't. I read that if you drink beer you can make the effects go away. Where was this article when I was peeing on the deer or making out with a guy playing a drum that smelled like ass and making a "I am living here from now on" tent in the forests of Santa Cruz. Youth.. if you read this. Stay away from acid.

"Mom Seriously, Pretending to have Alzheimer's Isn't Funny"

2010-08-22T10:50:00.000-07:00

I can't tell you how many times I have had to say this. My mom started pretending to have Alzheimer's a few years ago to irritate my father. At first I was concerned because it does run in our family but I quickly realized that she was faking it. On wine tasting trips, she would repeat something ridiculous from the backseat until finally my dad would tell her to shut up.

On my last trip to visit she told me that my hair was too long and repeated it about 20 times. Once home, I cut it and when I told her she said "Why?! I liked it!" and then followed it with "I think you and (my ex from a million years ago) should get back together"

Her latest obsession is talking about how the family MUST purchase wolf spirit hoods to show our family unity.

Our family already does a great job of looking insane in public but I am going to play along and agree to this. Part of the proceeds do go to a wildlife conservation organization so why not. Yesterday when I was asked yet again about my thoughts on the wolf spirit hood I just agreed to get one. Anything to get off of the main topic of conversation which was whether or not I waxed "down there."

**posted with full permission of my mother who would like to raise awareness around these spirit hoods.

Please Just Go Away

2010-08-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

It is amazing how just one moment can change your entire day. Ever since that Facebook friend request from that ex, I have been so disturbed by it that yesterday at work I was really distracted and not in the best spirits. I put on a happy face because of course you can't go on a tirade about your psycho ex tracking you down at your new job, but no matter how hard I tried to forget about it, all of those bad memories kept flooding back. I blocked him which helped but I still keep in contact with a few people who do know where I live now that he could run into. Hopefully they will use good judgment and not mention me at all.

You may think that I am going overboard on this but you have no idea. This guy made my life nothing but hell for 5 years. I was very young and very stupid and made excuses for any and everything. When I finally ended it he continued to track me down for years. He had/still has from what I have heard a serious drug problem. I heard that he had passed away a few years ago and against my better judgment went to his mom's to see if that was true. No it wasn't. She told me that he keeps a box of my pictures hoping I will come back. I saw him and he looked like hell and was barely able to talk and when I left I just felt sad that he still was on that horrible path but I knew there was no saving him. I had tried for years and years and nothing worked.

Being my first serious long relationship, it crushed me when I found out everything that he had been doing and to this day I think this is the reason that I am so jaded when it comes to relationships. Before that I was so trusting. I am not saying he is solely responsible, I clearly had/still have self esteem issues to work through. Nobody in their right mind would put up with that crap for even a day. Even though I have made some great changes and choices since, I still go for guys that really aren't good for me. I have had way better relationships since, but I still have a really hard time trusting anyone and still self sabotage anything good that comes along. If someone treats me well I ruin it. For ex, a guy I was seeing didn't call me exactly as the clock struck twelve on my birthday so I decided that I was going to tell him off and didn't want to see him anymore. Little did I know that he was going to call and got me a huge teddy bear as a gift. A more recent example is when I was talking to a really nice guy that I like and found myself saying things like "I'm a mess" and am "Undateable", etc. I have got to stop this crap.

Part of me didn't want to block him only because I don't want to give him a reason to again "find" me. But that friend request was just sitting there and was making me physically nauseous. Last night all of these thoughts were going through my head like the phone calls where the person keeps hanging up. Was that him? I am unlisted so I doubt it but I couldn't help but wonder.

I was tempted to just send him a quick message to leave me alone or say I was married but I didn't even want to initiate contact. Anyway, thank you for reading. I had to get my thoughts out so that I can make this weekend enjoyable and hopefully this will be the last time that I write about this topic.

Its Never Too Early in the AM for A Stalking Request on Facebook

2010-08-20T09:04:00.001-07:00

Years ago I dated this guy (like over 10 years ago) and long really bad story short, it was a disaster followed by him cheating and stealing from me. He tracked me down when I moved towns and just showed up on my doorstep after one of my friends was tricked into giving him my address (she was drunk but still….)

I woke up this morning chipper as a bluebird. There was some sexual tension between the new weatherman and a news reporter and the day looked bright. And then I got the friend request from HIM on my blackberry. I was shocked that he a. knew how to use a computer and b. found me considering my settings are crazy private and my name is extremely common. People have told me it has taken months to find me. Damn Facebook. Just when I was starting to enjoy you again.

No Wait, We Can't Go In There

2010-08-16T23:33:00.000-07:00

If you have lived somewhere long enough there is that one place that you have made an ass out of yourself in and you just can't go back. For me this place is the CVS in my neighborhood. It started when I first moved to LA and only went there at 2am to buy cigarettes after a night out. Often I was frustrated because I didn't understand why my Ralphs/Nordstroms/any other card that wasn't a credit card, wasn't working at the register. I once knocked over a stand of sunscreen(or my friend did- we still aren't sure on that one)and just kept walking. I never go in there looking normal or feeling normal. Ever. Usually if I am at this CVS I am not OK.

I kicked the smoking and avoided that CVS all together for a long time and would drive to the one further away if in need of something. As my nights out started getting fewer so did my embarrassing CVS incidents. After a while I went there in the broad daylight to get a few random things like Drain-O and regained some dignity. Until tonight. Like an idiot I stopped there knowing I wasn't in the mood for it. The place is ALWAYS really crowded and there is only one cashier. Hot, sweaty and not in the greatest mood I needed a few random things that couldn't wait. I didn't recognize this cashier and thought nothing of it when he was giving me the usual sleaze stare down.

When I finally got rung up I pulled out the horrid wad of one dollar bills in my purse to pay. I wanted to get rid of them. Last week I had to pay in cash for something and received almost eighteen one dollar bills in change and knew this day would come. When I pulled out the ones he gave me this really disgusting knowing look. I immediately realized that he thought I was a stripper. I ignored his gross smirk and started counting them out as the line grew longer. I lost count and did it again and he said something about trying to get fives next time. That was it. Normally I can play along but not when I am tired and hot. Only under great weather conditions can someone refer to me as a stripper and I will be OK with it. He bagged my stuff and for some reason I just couldn't let it go without loudly announcing (partly for the line's benefit who had overheard the whole thing) "I am NOT a stripper" and just stared at him for a few seconds. He just laughed at me and I walked out. Once again I had managed to humiliate myself at CVS. As I pulled away I realized that I will never win in that store and have resigned myself to this fact. A stripper this time, maybe I will be asked if I am pregnant again the next.. Maybe both at once. Who knows.

I've Run Out of Wild Oats to Sow

2010-08-14T09:43:00.000-07:00

I was shocked and flattered when a friend told me that she had asked herself what I would do before making a decision. I can see if she had done this to do the exact opposite but no this was not the case. Suddenly, I realized that I have grown up and no longer am the party in a box mess that I used to be. I still have my moments but wow have I changed in the last few years.

Last night I worked late and after went grocery shopping. It wasn't until I was standing in the frozen foods section stocking up on Lean Cuisines that I realized it was nine on a Friday night and I was grocery shopping. I looked around and saw tired looking housewives and twenty somethings stocking up on alcohol for the night. As I put my stuff on the conveyor belt I scanned the contents and thought, my God, I am totally boring now. Cat food and Lean Cuisines. I was almost embarrassed and wanted to go grab a case of beer or a box of condoms or at least a pregnancy test and throw it on there.

I drove home and passed bar row by my house hearing the people screaming and having fun. For a second I felt sad and old but deep down wanted nothing more than to just get home, relax, catch up on my TiVo and have a glass of wine in peace. I was exhausted and so relieved that I had not scheduled in yet another Friday night disaster date.

Five years ago I would have been on my way to Vegas on a spontaneous whim or dancing on a table in a club. Actually two years ago. Maybe a year ago. Anyway, the point is that these things sound fun but are no longer as desirable. I am happy that I jumped on the party bus young and have had some really crazy times. I know for sure I will never look back at 40 and wish I had done something and have some sort of mid life crisis where I freak out, buy a red convertible and start shopping at Forever 21. I have a few regrets but definitely have loved this wild part of my life. I still have fun and go out but my top stays on now.

That fear of becoming that 40 year old woman chain smoking Virginia Slims at the end of the bar shouting to put some Def Leppard "jams" on is slowly fading into the distance.

Team Slater

2010-08-11T07:39:00.001-07:00

I have no idea why the news is so baffled as to why the public are so sympathetic to Steven Slater(The JetBlue flight attendant who got into it with a rude passenger, grabbed a couple of beers and slid off a plane through the escape chute)

Anyone who has ever worked in customer service would know why. The man had had enough! And good for him! I have worked many customer service jobs in the past and have never been treated worse by people (hence where the name of this blog originated "And At What Pace Would You Like Your Handjob Sir?") For some reason it is your fault if some overweight woman can't fit into a dress or a condom was left in the rental car that you are renting out.

Steven Slater is amazing in my eyes. The media should focus more on the nutcase customers like this woman. WOW.

You Catch More Flies With Vinegar I Guess

2010-08-08T09:55:00.000-07:00

For the most part I like my neighbors. Now that my upstairs neighbor has gotten better at the guitar I no longer want to attack him when I hear "Freebird" being played poorly over and over at 7am. Everyone pretty much keeps to themselves except crazy Cop guy across the street and I am even getting used to him pacing in front of his complex. There are two girls that always hang out and smoke outside and in the entire year and a half I have lived here we have never spoken except for they polite "hey" when walking by.

Friday night I had a date with a guy that I have liked for a while but I had a few things to do first before he arrived. I pulled into my garage area where I have to reverse in and they were just standing there not moving. Parking my car in general is a bit of a pain because I have to jump out, unlock the garage and usually ignore the cars impatiently waiting because I am blocking the entire alley to do this. Anyway, they had seen me and there was some wild west eye contact made. I gave them a few seconds to move. They just stood there. Having no more time to waste, I whipped my car in coming very close to where they were standing (of course not aiming at them but sending the message that I wasn't going to wait all day)

I put down the garage door fully expecting them to be bitchy and then something strange happened. They both started talking to me and not only were nice but we ended up laughing about something random. It took almost hitting them with my car to gain their respect? So strange. It is so hard to figure out people sometimes. LA girls are not the easiest to read but I guess if you almost run someone over it really breaks the ice.

Oh No

2010-08-06T17:35:00.000-07:00

If you are anything like me, the more you like someone ,the more you worry about possible worst case scenarios, one being, oh my gosh what if I have to go to the bathroom when he is at my house or when I am at his. I have a friend in LA that lives close by that will actually drive to my house to use my bathroom if caught in this bind. I always laugh when she runs through my house in a panic after the quick knock and “hey”. One of my old roommates and I had a mutual agreement that we were allowed full access to each other’s bathrooms if this situation were to arise.

The best story I have ever heard surrounding this issue was a friend of mine was at a guy’s house that she really liked and a few drinks later she realized that she had to go and like NOW. She held it for a long time until she knew she had no choice. There was no time to drive home, no escape. He went to use the bathroom and she ran outside and went in his backyard. Extreme… but I can’t say that if in that situation I would not have done the same thing. That was clearly a survival mode situation. Men do not seem to have an issue with this as much, or at least the ones I have dated do not. I have never caught any of them making a beeline for the backyard.

How To Have A Successful "Night Friend" Without Any Drama

2010-08-01T14:39:00.000-07:00

I use the term "night friend" because "booty call" seems so 2001 and "lover" seems so age 50. Many people, including myself, are not looking for a relationship however we are all human so that is where the "night friend" comes in. The concept seems simple enough but why does it always end really badly? It is because one person always gets attached and it gets complicated. My last one was nothing short of a train wreck and after talking with friends and getting feedback as to where things went so wrong in their stories, I have developed a system for a successful night friend experience sans drama. Here are some simple rules.

1. First and foremost establish open communication on what the situation is with each other. It is what it is. Nothing more and nothing less.
2. Try to choose someone who you could never see yourself with. I am not saying find the nearest troll, but look for someone who is on a different path than you are. The more you have in common, the more likely it is you will fall into the danger zone.
3. Limit these visits to no more than twice a month. If you are more needy you may require two night friends and if this is the case rotate accordingly. Remember, the more the person is around the more likely it is that attachments will be formed.
4. Stay away from anyone you work with. Not only does this violate Rule #3 but if things go badly you will have to see that person everyday. Plus if word gets out the last thing you want is to become the subject of the office rumor mill.
5. Try to keep talking to a minimum. Of course you will have to speak eventually but keep the conversation light and your personal problems to yourself. Save it for your friends or therapist. Remember, the more you know or share the more likely it is that a bond will be formed.
6. Do not cook or go out of your way to do anything for this person. That brings it to a different level. If you are both famished ordering a pizza is acceptable.
7. Avoid overnights. One in a while maybe, but that adios at the door that night once again renforces what this situation is. And besides, overnights can lead to the danger zone: more talking, cuddling, etc.

Follow these simple rules and you should be home free. Oh, and do NOT add them to your Facebook. That is just a disaster waiting to happen. Trust me.

But Daddy, I want an Oompa Loompa Now!!!

2010-07-31T09:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in one of those situations where you know you should not be judging someone but you just can't help it?

I attend a class when I can that helps you learn how to cope with anxiety. I signed up for this on my own and my main purpose is to learn coping techniques to get over all of those lovely things that came when I had that panic attack last year. You get "homework" specific to you and I have had to face many of my "new" fears, driving in traffic in the middle lane, sitting in the middle at a movie theaters or meetings, etc. It has been really helpful and being in a non medical environment I feel much more relaxed and actually participate in class. I was not going to just take these new strange phobias and just live with them forever. Screw that! I love everyone in the class, but there is this one girl...

Everyone in there is so nice and each person has their own set of reasons that brought on their anxiety. Many people in LA have a certain level of it (even my vet tech admitted he has issues with it), and a lot of my classmates were triggered by extremely traumatic events in their lives and my heart goes out to them. I almost feel embarrassed that it was just work/personal life problems overload that got me into this whole state.

Anyway, so this girl. When I first met her I was instantly put off. She instantly talked about how she looks down on people who aren't intelligent and judges those that aren't. I have yet to hear her say anything even remotely enlightening, (it always comes across as whining) and her announcement that she was judging everyone didn't help anyone speak up in class although I could give a rat's ass and still talk anyway. Obviously very well off (because she has mentioned it quite a few times) and very spoiled, it is really difficult to listen when she talks. Last week her problems stemmed around something to do with her groundskeeper. She then launched into how she was being "forced" to clean the "back house" and felt this was highly unfair of her mother who lets her stay there rent free.

I just stare at her when she talks trying to take it all in. I so badly wanted to raise my hand and say "But if you are staying there for free, that request seems pretty normal..." but I knew it would cause drama so I just shut up. She reminds me of this guy in college. His name was Manuel and he always wore a beret and sat in the front row. Without fail when the professor was done and said we could go if there were not anymore questions, his hand would shoot up and he would keep us for another ten minutes with some idiotic question that could have waited until after class. I often fantasized about throwing things at the back of his head.

I was given the assignment of sitting in the middle of a meeting (we haven't had any big ones at work yet so we all decided an AA meeting would be perfect - and who couldn't use one from time to time) and my teacher asked if I knew how to locate them. When I said I could find one online the annoying girl took it as her chance to give me a play by play on how to find them until I finally interrupted her with "I can find them. Thank you" We exchanged icy looks but she did back off and finally shut up for a while.

It is a good thing that I am not the teacher who has endless patience. I would have by now said "Ok, so your problem is that you are a self indulgent 30 year old brat that takes advantage of your parents and has no ambition and blames the world for not getting off of your ass"

I feel bad for feeling this way. Maybe this girl has a whole other set of problems that make her act this way and I always try to think this when I just want to roll my eyes. This may be her cover up for deeper issues that she has not revealed. But still. Patience with people is something I lack so maybe I will give myself my own homework and next time I go really try to listen to her. Doubtful though. It is kind of like nails on a chalkboard...

Whose Stupid Idea Was This?

2010-07-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

This morning on the way to work I had to contact my insurance company on speaker phone and got one of those horrid voice response lines. It asked if I was a subscriber, yes or no. And I said yes. Then it said it didn't recognize that. So again I replied YES. It did it again. Two times later it finally took it then I had to say my birthday. It didn't recognize it of course because November isn't distinctive enough I guess. I was starting to get really irritated and was nearing work. I started saying "customer service" over and over until finally I was screaming it. It reminded me of the time my dad had me order Rolling Stones tickets over the phone and I was in tears screaming "FUCK" after about ten minutes of getting nowhere. Who in the world thought that these voice prompts were a good idea? WHO? If they worked sure. But they NEVER do. Ever. By the time you get to a real person you are in the worst mood ever and take it out on them. It really is a lose/lose for everyone.

"It's Really Not That Big of A Deal"

2010-07-26T00:20:00.001-07:00

Over the years I have had some interesting landlords. In college I had one that barked like a dog when he hacked in the kitchen and asked me for a picture when I moved out. My friend who had come with me to view the place was shocked when I announced I would take it. Over time I became convinced he was a werewolf. It came furnished in full 70's splendor and was always musty. He lived above me but we shared a kitchen and the backyard with a pool that he used often wearing only a Speedo. He was 60 and drove a Corvette which always roared to life at 6am. I was convinced there was a camera hidden in my room and one night my boyfriend at the time and I spent a fair amount of time looking for it until we decided it must be in the TV. Who knows. He finally got his day when I arrived home from one of my wilder nights out and decided to sleep without any clothes on and left my bedroom door fully open. I still cringe when I think of him walking by in the broad daylight.

My landlord that I have now is a nice guy. Nice but a little too relaxed sometimes about fixing things. I have had a few plumbing problems and lately some more major ones like the fire alarms always beeping for no reason, the water heater leaking or the screen door falling off. Oh, and the giant crack that is forming in the living room wall. He always does get someone out to fix these things but it is often weeks later. The crack is still there and it has been 3 days since my kitchen sick will not drain. Anytime I turn on the disposal muddy water shoots up. I kept calling and he arrived this morning and after I watched in disgust as he used my toilet plunger and violently tried to plunge my kitchen sick with no success told me that a plumber will be here tomorrow. I was thrilled at the fast response time except for this "plumber" has been here before and the last time he fixed something, he left everything from underneath the sink out on the floor in muddy disgusting water which was tracked through the house by huge footprints. At this point though, I just want to be able to use my sink again so I am grateful. And unless the wall starts falling down I will just deal with the character that it gives the place. I can deal with slow response time and should be grateful that he doesn't arrive in a Speedo and call it a day.

I'm Sorry But Were We On the Same Date?

2010-07-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

Good God. This guy is relentless. I am not calling him back because I do not want to keep this going but at the same time I am so curious as to why he thinks that "date" went so well. I called him an asshole and pretty much threw him out of my house. I thought I had made it pretty clear that it was going nowhere. Aside from my last blog I left out his nauseating talk of all of his "properties" and stupid BMW. Maybe some girls are impressed by such things, but it was the biggest turnoff in the world. I get it, you make a lot of money. When I asked earlier in the night what he thought of me on a scale of 1-10 (yes, that is how badly it was going) he answered "7" I guess that being rude as hell was not "off limits!" I am not sure if anything he even said was true now. Supposedly he lives an hour away, but if that part is even true why was he in was he in my neighborhood last night at 3am. He does have friends that live in this area but still. Ugh! SO annoying. If he keeps calling I am going to tell him that today I found out I am pregnant and going back to my ex boyfriend. If that doesn't work I don't know what will.

"Off Limits!"

2010-07-25T01:53:00.000-07:00

Last night could have possibly been one of the most boring nights of my life. I had a date which for some reason I had not been looking forward to. I was really tired after my first few days of work and nothing sounded better than going home and just watching a movie and lounging. I rushed to get ready and the humidity was not working with my hair at all. The cat had thrown up in the hall so I had to deal with that while trying to decide what to wear. Oh and the sink started backing up in the kitchen and was about to overflow and my landlord was MIA again.

My date called from outside about the permit parking signs on the street. I assured him that you did not need a permit at night (on this street not at all actually and I have never had one and was told when I moved in I did not need one) He got irritable and completely ignored me and kept reading the sign over and over to me as if I hadn't grasped the complexity of it. I told him that many friends and family have parked in front of my house and were fine. He still would not listen and started complaining about how the meters were taken. I started getting really irritated. Why would he not listen to me? I even told him he could take my space and I would park my own car on the street if that made him more comfortable. I just wanted him to SHUT UP about the damn parking. Park your damn car! (or better yet drive home and just go park at your own house!) At that point I realized I had made a dreadful mistake. All of our previous phone conversations had never been interesting and the task of calling him back always felt more like a chore. BUT he had driven an hour to see me, and since I was ready, I wanted to go out and celebrate my new job.

Finally he parked a thousand blocks over and 45 minutes later was at my doorstep. Long story very short. We open a bottle of wine while talking about where to go out. I notice that he is getting tipsy very quickly. I am thinking in my head, nooooo, I am the one who is supposed to be a mess, this isn't going right. I cut him off mentioning that he has to drive later and say that we should be leaving soon and he requests to take a nap. A NAP!??? After 2 glasses of wine at 10pm? I asked him if he was 60 and that seemed to wake him up but it went downhill very quickly. The conversation was horrible. He was rude, condescending and any sort of interesting or personal question I asked him was met with "Off Limits!" I swear I heard that over 40 times. I wanted to punch him. Now I was off limits and sat so far away from him on the couch that I almost fell off. I found myself just staring at the television while he talked. I wanted him to leave but he couldn't drive. Clearly we were not going anywhere now. I had been invited out by some old friends and couldn't go for this? I regretted that I had gotten ready and even regretted that I cleaned up the cat throw up. Maybe that would have made him leave faster.

I woke up this morning on the couch and instantly had that feeling of dread. I saw his shoes. He was still here. I had let him stay because he couldn't drive and he was making himself right at home sleeping in in my bedroom. I had things to do today and wanted him out so I ran in the room and yelled "Coffee is almost ready!" I attempted to ask him something just because of the awkward silence and again it was met with "Off Limits!" I jumped up and said "You know what! You are an asshole!" Finally I had done it! He left and I was overjoyed. He said something snarky on his way out like "I guess I'll just let you call me" and I replied with "Good luck with parking in the future" and slammed the door. I was free! The rest of the day was so wonderful. I found the cutest dress I have ever seen, had a pedi mani with a friend and an amazing lunch. She found his behavior disgusting and suggested his "off limits" answers were probably a sign that he was involved with someone else (poor girl). She also said that he probably got drunk on purpose as an excuse to stay and was probably already drunk when he arrived. Very likely.

I am so relieved and proud at how quickly I got rid of this one. I have a tendency to let things drag on and I didn't this time. Luckily I have a backup who is really sweet and way hotter who I liked more anyway. He makes me laugh and I love talking to him. Thank goodness I didn't waste that cute new dress on the wrong guy.

**YIPES! I just got a text from him saying he is three blocks away from my house right now. It is three in the morning!!! OK officially creeped out. Thank God for my alarm system and the asshole retired cop patrolling across the street.

Take Me Back To Mypos

2010-07-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

Being a huge reality fan I find myself surprised to be tiring of it. I no longer really care who is looking for love. Who isn't? I still enjoy some of it (and still feel that The Real Housewives of Oildale would be huge if done right) but lately I have longed for 80's and 90's scripted style TV. A friend of mine reminded me of one of the classics, Perfect Strangers, and I suddenly realized that these really were the best shows ever made. Nothing too serious, nothing overly dramatic, very obvious writing and pure enjoyment.

Just looking at the first part of the show description (Balki Bartokomous, a sheepherder from the small Mediterranean Greek-like island of Mypos, travels to the United States in search of his relatives. He finds his cousin, Larry Appleton - who has recently 'escaped' from his large-sized family and is reveling in the unaccustomed luxury of having his own room to himself)

What?! A sheepherder who went on rants about Mypos living with his 40 year old cousin who finally has just moved out of his parents house??...and we loved every second of it. And what about Alf? Who didn't watch that furry little fuck destroy/enrich the Tanner household? Even jumping forward a bit to the original Beverly Hills 90210 where nobody questioned why Andrea looked 40 or why Dylan had a receding hairline by his junior year. Those were simpler times. We didn't question, we just watched.

Goodbye Maury. I Shall Miss You.

2010-07-20T13:05:00.000-07:00

I finally got a contracting job at a major television network! I start tomorrow! After interviewing for six months it was starting to look pretty bleak but then the call came yesterday! Can you imagine if I had taken that low paying marketing job?? I would have missed out on this amazing opportunity. I really needed the last six months to deal with personal problems to be ready to take on a position like this. Six months ago I was sleeping 14 hours a day and didn't go a day without crying. Now, I get up every day excited and have had the opportunity to spend a ton of time at the animal shelter, catch up with old friends, re-learn the choreography for Rhythm Nation, start dating again (before nobody could have dealt with the mess that I was),visit family and really get it together. I feel so ready for the next chapter. Yes, the first half of this year was absolute crap but everything is turning around. So many great things are happening to my friends and family right now and I think there is definitely something in the air. My astrology friend was right.

The Real Housewives of Oildale

2010-07-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

For those of you who are lucky enough to be unfamiliar with it, Oildale is one of the layers of hell tucked away in Bakersfield California. Sadly I spent 11 years of my life there but learned a lot at a very young age. Often over 100 degrees in the summer our only refuge was the slip n' slide which was always placed over sprinklers that we ate sh*t on or the little grocery store across the street. After it was robbed a few times we lost that luxury and soon turned to hitting tennis balls on top of the roof of the church down the street until one day we broke a window. Although it was hell it was real. The people were real and so was the good old fashioned home cooking. Nobody exercised, teeth were a luxury and everything was fried. "I'm gunna whoop your ass" was often heard from every house on a quiet summer night.

The Real Housewives of Oildale would be the most entertaining show on television by far. My brother came up with it and I think this idea is genius and needs to be pitched ASAP. I can see episode 1 now: Sue Goes to the Dentist - After a long meth bender, Sue leaves the kids at home unattended and takes a much needed trip to the dentist. Drama ensues when Daddy gets in a fight at the neighborhood bar. Police arrive on the scene after 2 hours and are paid off with drugs and sexual acts. Next time on Real Housewives of Oildale "Chaos at Walmart" Sue is trampled at Walmart when Natural Ice goes on discount. Will she survive the toothless man/woman on isle 6? Stay tuned.

How To Deal With Annoying People

2010-07-11T20:58:00.000-07:00

I think I have mentioned before that there are many passive aggressive ways to deal with those jerk customers, neighbors or just that one asshole at work. No need to make yourself look bad by flying off of the handle or by using profanities. Here are a few simple but very effective techniques which over the years have proven to work quite well.

a. Talk just a LITTLE bit louder and slower to that person than you would to anyone else. This is really effective when in a group setting. It is such a quiet move but trust me they will notice.
b. Call a woman "sir" and act flustered and quickly say "I'm sorry, I mean ma'am" if a woman is being rude to you in a customer service setting. This is much more effective if a mustache is present or any facial hair.
c. If a co-worker is on a tirade and really being obnoxious interrupt with something that makes absolutely no sense like "I like butterflies" and gaze off. They might think that you are a bit "off" but it is much better than continuing the conversation.
d. If dealing with someone outside of the work setting you can be a bit more humorous in your approach. For example, that one bitch neighbor is passing you in the mailbox area. Act startled, clutch your heart and say something subtle like "Oh my gosh you scared me! I thought that you were a prostitute!"

These are just a few ways to have fun with it instead of letting yourself get really irritated. Feel free to share your own techniques and tips.

Cute Little Sign

2010-07-10T20:13:00.000-07:00

I was driving by a dry cleaners and on their outside sign was the phrase "The Best Vitamin for Making Friends is to B1" I was at a stop light and had to read it a few times because I am going blind. A little random just because I do not know how that relates to dry cleaning but it was cute and really sweet. Just thought I'd share that. It made me smile and think about how lucky I am to have such an amazing group of friends and family.

Meter Maids: Escaped Convicts?

2010-07-07T14:00:00.000-07:00

I used to think that the worst job in the world were those poor souls that have to dress like hot dogs and stand on busy street corners twirling signs in the 90 degree heat. That combined with people honking and yelling obscenities and the dehydration that the hot dog suit must cause must be as close to a living version of hell as you can get. I always want to pull over and just hug them.

But lately I have encountered the most unpleasant people in the world. Meter Maids. I am convinced that these women have escaped prison and were employed somehow under the city's radar. Not only do these women seem to hate their job but they hate you and seem to get great satisfaction out of ticketing you. They lurk in the shadows in their Metros waiting. I have a bank of meters in front of my house and see at least one or two fights or arguments a day. A friend of mine, one of the most non violent people in the world, was almost in a physical fight because of the attitude the meter woman was giving her when she was just unloading her car (not even in a meter zone). Like 90% of the anyone moving all she had done was turn on her emergency lights and parked with more than enough room for traffic to go around.

I understand the job must suck. And I am sure there is some quota or commission tied to how many tickets these she-beasts give out. But still. Do they have to take such pleasure in doing it? The employment rate in LA is not good and these tickets are not cheap. I once had to unload groceries and instead of trucking 5 loads from my garage I parked in the meter and put in a quarter. I was walking back up to my car JUST as the meter went out because I could feel one lurking and she STILL gave me a ticket. Another time it was a guy who said I was lucky he wasn't giving me a bigger ticket for being close to a red zone which was a good five feet up. Sure, if someone goes way over and doesn't bother to reload the meter they deserve the ticket. But these women are ON IT almost to the point of stalking your car.

One day when I am REALLY bored, maybe I will slump down in my car, let the meter run out and wait and when I see one approaching with that grin of disturbing satisfaction, will pop up like a quick little weasel and drive away fast hopefully kicking up dust with my tires screeching like in the movies. I know I will never actually do this because I have the patience of a doormat and will quickly grow tired of sitting there but just the thought is pleasing enough. On the other hand,in Hollywood, I wouldn't have to wait long.

Stupid or Smart? Turning Down Job Offers

2010-07-06T23:20:00.000-07:00

Today I turned down the second job offer in a month with the reason being that the pay was way less than I was making at my previous job and the job wasn't too ideal in the first place. It had some great parts but others didn't sound so appealing. I felt queasy doing it but I know that if I hold out a bit longer there has to be something coming. I realize that turning down any job right now is not wise but at the same time I do not want to be locked into something like that and then miss an amazing opportunity. I have great intuition and I know it was the right thing to do. But still..

One thing it did do was have me spend the majority of this evening following up with resumes and finding some other jobs that I really had to research and look hard for. (after catching up on The Hills and The City of course) Nothing gives you a good kick in the tail like turning down a job. Backup plan: find a better job and soon. On the bright side, I did manage to catch up on all of my laundry today while house sitting for a friend and caught up on some more Real Housewives on Bravo which I am so deprived of at home. I know that I can watch episodes online but it is not the same experience as sprawling out on a coach watching a big TV. Maybe I should start a house sitting business but in the ad along with pay rate add something discreetly worded like "Must have working cable with Bravo specifically"

LA Cab Drivers

2010-07-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

Last night I went out and cabbed it home because I had been drinking. Cab drivers sometimes frighten me though. When I lived in the Bay Area I had one that was amazing. Sweet Jimmy. I can not tell you how many times he found my roommate and I after declaring our location as "not sure." But LA cab drivers are different. I have heard everything from tales of how LA is going to shit to ex wife stories to even having one gross ass ask for my number. Once a woman cab driver pulled over and just said "get out" because I could not recall my address. I could see how that would be irritating but I knew the general area I needed to go to and eventually would have recalled it.

The worst ones are when you are trying to give them directions when you see them taking a really long way and suddenly they turn deaf. No matter how many time you keep repeating "take whatever street it's faster" it makes no difference. But last night I had a great one. Not only was he as chipper as a spring hen but he had just come off of a 12 hour day, slept for 3 hours and kept saying how grateful he was for his job and his great family. He was so enjoyable to listen to (and took the faster route that I suggested) that for the first time I didn't feel like I needed to change my locks after he dropped me off. Finally, I have found my LA Jimmy.

Hangover Remedies

2010-07-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

Ever since Dr. Ian Smith referred to alcohol as "liquid fat" I refrained from even a glass of wine last night. That is repulsive. But with the holidays and birthdays coming, I know that drinking is inevitable. And it is true, the older you get the worse the next day will be. Even when I only have a glass or two I still feel sluggish the next morning. So, I have done vast research and also had some great input from friends on their cures for that dreaded morning disaster. Some of these were obvious but we all need the occasional reminder.

The night before:

1. Drink as much water in between drinks as possible. This will this make you feel fuller and you will drink less. Especially with this heat it is easy to let that drink count get away from you.
2. Eat before you drink. Eating on an empty stomach is a recipe for texting that ex or making an embarrassing status update on Facebook in the wee hours of the night.
3. Before you go to bed, put a few teaspoons of Bifidus Powder (any health food store will have it) in a glass of water and drink it. It breaks down the alcohol while you sleep and works far better than popping a few aspirin which can hurt your liver. If not Alka-Seltzer mixed with a pack of Emergen-C will substitute nicely.

If you fail to do any of these the night before:

1. Pedialyte. Keep your refrigerator stocked with it. The woman at CVS must think I always have 5 sick children. A glass of this works far better than your standard Gatorade and works much faster than Smart Water.
2. When you feel ready exercise. Running it off works wonders. Do this only when the headache or weakness has passed though.
3. Take it easy after you exercise. Sleep another hour longer. Just another half hour of sleep will work wonders. Try not to plan a full schedule the next day if you know you will be having a night out.
4. Although that initial want to have a Bloody Mary or a beer to get rid of the hell that is a hangover is tempting do not give in. And lets be real, it is never just one. Stay away also from caffeine or nicotine. These will only make you sick or prolong the hangover. Nothing is worse than wanting to nap but being jacked up on coffee.
5. After your Pedialyte, eat an apple. I don't know why but it works.

With that said, a safe and happy 4th to you all!

I Need To Trade VH1 for a Book Tomorrow (or at least CNN)

2010-07-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

So I have a date on Monday. Like a real date where I am assuming I will have to shower and eat food. Not only is the guy extremely nice and cute but he is a sports medicine doctor. I think on this one, the less I talk the better. I quickly realized that my knowledge of the latest drama on VH1 wasn't going to cut it the second he started talking. He spoke of things so unknown to me, an upcoming week long trip to London for his job and something about a mortgage. I was stunned. This speak is so different from the usual crap that gets thrown at me by guys. Normally I just listen with boredom but this was different. For the first time in a long time I felt embarrassed and stupid and cursed myself for watching Jerry Springer instead of the news this past week. How do you follow "So I am thinking of buying a second home" with "Oh! That sounds great. Hey did you catch Springer this morning?! I could have SWORN he was not the father. She was such a whore!"

His friend lives a block over so hopefully he will not see me out and about on the 4th. With all of the festivities I am sure I will be a hot mess. I wasn't thrilled on the Monday date because hungover isn't my best look but he said he will be too. Already intriguing. I thought of thirty reasons already to back out of it, my sister will be in town, last minute family emergency, I have that "flu" that no one has that is going around. But no, I think I am going to go. Even if I sound like a total idiot, I do work in the Entertainment Industry and always have the "It is my job to know these things" to fall back on if I slip and mention the latest on the Kardashians or something. Fun fun.

Cutest Dog Ever "Druppy" Needs Loving Home ASAP!

2010-06-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

(taken from volunteer plea)Druppy is one of the best dogs I have ever worked with at South L.A. He arrived skittish, went over to the annex, was selected for one of our mobiles, and has improved every single day he has been at SLA. An example of a dog who has blossomed at the shelter!!! Everyone who meets him is in love with him. Our volunteer liaison at the shelter,can't believe he is still at the shelter. Lucky for Druppy we hope -- as there was a jerk looking at him over the weekend who called him "stupid" because Druppy was sticking his head out the open kennel door, anxious to get out fast. Druppy does not need a home like that -- he obviously came from one.

This dog is loving, playful, fine with other dogs. I do believe that he has a prey drive so would avoid smaller dogs and definitely no cats. He prances, his coat is long, fluffy and catches the breeze. And that one ear up and one down? Adorable. Only once have I seen him react negatively to anyone -- and we have been around a lot of people. We were walking and happened to surprise a man who was coming out of a driveway. The man yelled and backed up and Droopy barked at him in return.

I would be thrilled to learn that he was out and in a loving home at last. I'm more than happy to answer any questions about him. He needs out fast.

DRUPPY HAS LOTS OF GROUPIES
ON TOUR, AROUND THE SHELTER, PARADING THE STREETS, HE CATCHES ADMIRING GLANCES WHEREVER HE GOES

He is the definition of a rock star dog. Beyond good looking, prancing around the stage. Dripping with charm, his hair blowing in the breeze. A bit daring at times. And loads of fun in the process. Though judging by appearance some may think he is a bit intense, he's really not. He'll do something absolutely quirky the very next moment you see him -- like carry his toy everywhere he goes.

If you can save the life of this amazing celebrity, if you wish to become Druppy's one-and-only groupie, call the South L.A. shelter at once (213) 485-0117 or -0119.

The Insult Jar

2010-06-27T23:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we can be our own worst critics. Yesterday in Laguna while trying on clothes I was horrified that I could not fit into this really cute short jumper. It looked something like this and I was dying to have it. I haven't shopped in forever and this was it. The one piece that I had in mind to buy for months. But sadly this union was not meant to be. The small fit alright on the top but not the bottom and then the large looked ok on the bottom but was a garbage bag on the top. The medium was just blah, gave me a hint of cameltoe and made me look completely shapeless. Suddenly I felt super fat and caught a glimpse of myself in the three way mirror and was horrified. My arm looked huge! All of that self confidence that I have had went out the window in under 30 seconds. I felt like all of the working out and dieting had been a waste of time and instantly was filled with tons of self doubt about the way that I looked. (the models face in this picture actually resembles how I felt after trying it on) I let it go but during the drive back my mind was all over the place. Here I have been working so hard and even having losing weight can not fit into the thing I wanted most. Today I felt really stupid for being so negative and so self critical. My arm is not huge and I should be proud at what I have accomplished. I am not fat and nobody has ever called me fat but I am stuck on being a certain size and this needs to stop. I was really surprised at how just one bad shopping experience had gotten to me so much. It is just one stupid jumper.

A friend and I used to have something we would called the "insult jar" and we had to put a quarter in every time we said something negative about the way that we looked. I realized how many times someone would say "You look cute!" and I would come back with "Thanks! But oh my God my stomach is so gross!" A few jars later (which we would spend for drinking so it ended up working out) I started getting a little better and now when someone pays me a compliment I try really hard to remember just to say thank you without launching into how I should be laying on a beach somewhere surrounded by flies along with the other whales.

Today on a hike a friend I and started doing it again. I told her how fat I felt after eating fries last night and the cameltoe jumper and she said something negative about herself. Quickly we decided that the insult jar needs to come back. She loved the idea. So often on these hikes instead of talking about how much we have lost we talk about how much more we need to lose. LA is filled with tons of skinny women and to compare yourself to that on a daily basis would drive anyone insane. So you can't. I am happy with the way that I look. No, I am not 6 feet tall with huge boobs and blond hair. But I am am hardly this little chunk troll that I keep making myself out to be either. The insult jar is now on top of the refrigerator and has nothing in it yet.

Especially in this town where the pressure to look amazing is always looming there will be enough criticism. It can not be healthy to walk around calling yourself fat all of the time. Plenty of people out there will do that for you behind your back AND there will always be someone better looking and thinner than you. It is just life. You have to be comfortable in your own skin and be happy with your own uniqueness. Hopefully that insult jar will remain empty and if not I'll have to think of something less appealing than a bottle of wine so that filling it is more horrifying. Oh wait! That one homeless guy my age that tells you go go fuck yourself followed by some insults when you do not give him money every time you pass by near my house. That is perfect. One round of that and I will be cured.

Fate?

2010-06-27T02:35:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Laguna Beach and happened to meet a writer from SNL. Wow, talk about fate. Hopefully this wasn't just a pickup line. But what a random lame one that would be, right? I have tried for years and it is almost impossible to submit anything without knowing someone. Very similar to getting a job in L.A.

I talked to a great friend today who is huge into astrology. She said something about a moon setting or rising or something but basically the point was this is the time to rid your life of all of the negative people and it is a highly emotional time but it is setting you up for great things. So if fate is working in my favor, look out SNL, here I come! I LOVE LA and my apartment but for that yes, I would move to New York in a heartbeat.

Another Great Love Song Parody

2010-06-24T22:15:00.000-07:00

Love is on my mind and I couldn't help but think of this timeless parody of the great Lionel Ritchie ballad.

Poor Me

2010-06-24T13:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is so easy to get sucked into that icky hole of feeling sorry for yourself because of blah or blah. But then you see something like what I just saw on the news. A boy sick with leukemia was able to ride in a police helicopter thanks to the Make A Wish foundation. He was so happy. I never watch the news but happened to catch this and could not help but cry. It really puts our own problems into perspective doesn't it. Suddenly not getting that job or whatever the silly issue is does not seem so bad anymore.

"Hot In Cleveland" is HOT HOT HOT

2010-06-23T23:28:00.000-07:00

I have long prided myself in my ability to predict comebacks. But not even I could have predicted this hilarious new serious "Hot in Cleveland." These amazing ladies who I have always adored are perfect together. (taken from tvguide.com)"Hot in Cleveland revolves around three fabulous L.A. women of a certain age who are best friends (Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves and Wendie Malick). Their lives are changed forever when their plane -- headed to Paris for a girls-only celebration -- unexpectedly lands in Cleveland and they soon rediscover themselves in a new 'promised land'. Loving their new home, the women find themselves living under one roof and battling the sassy caretaker (Betty White) of the property they have rented."

The show is amazing. Who doesn't love Valerie (I was told I looked like her once or twice) and who did not fall in love with Jane Leeves (Daphne Moon from Fraiser) and of course Wendie Malick who I have adored since her role as Nina Van Horn in "Just Shoot Me." And to top it off you have Betty White as the groundskeeper. Could you want more?? I have seen two episodes and this show is nothing short of brilliant. Well worth the watch!!

Hot Hot LA

2010-06-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

This morning was wonderful. I had yet another Mark Wahlberg dream and then went on a great hike. It seems like the hotter it gets here the hotter the guys get. Lately my friend and I have noticed an influx of the hottest guys ever on our hikes. Its like once the sun comes out they come out of hiding, shedding their shirts and revealing what has been hidden all winter. Not only is this more of a motivation to go hiking more but it gives one an overall appreciation for Los Angeles overall. Yes I am sure some of these men are self absorbed assholes but as far as scenery goes they provide a much more interesting view than some dried out trees and the occasional snake. One today was even on a horse. I think it's time to ditch the baggy workout clothes. My little chunk (what I call my stomach) is almost gone anyway.

Adios Nutrisystem

2010-06-21T20:58:00.000-07:00

My friend and I have both decided to go off Nutrisystem. I have lost the weight and so has she and the food is starting to taste like cardboard. At first the food was wonderful! Having a scone for breakfast or a blueberry muffin?! That was unheard of before. And for dinner a pizza! (realistically a flat piece of something that resembles bread with a bit of sauce on it with a sprinkle of cheese) But after time the food starting losing it's appeal. And it's taste.

I dread eating now. I wake up and stuff one of the muffins into my mouth and choke it down with coffee. For lunch (which I sometimes just skip or have an apple), I warm up one of those soup things and just stare at it and finally will eat it just out of low blood sugar needs. And dinner. Oh God dinner. OK, anything that can be microwaved and does not have to be frozen is not normal. I throw one in and make the biggest salad in the world to hide the taste. In my last order I had hamburger patties. The way that you make them is by pouring boiling water into the dish and it blows up like a sponge. It tasted like a hamburger but I knew at that point while watching my grow-a-meal that this wasn't good. Just watching it expand made me gag and I was jealous of the cats for their variety of food choices in the Fancy Feast box. Vegetables have become my savior. I have never eaten so many vegetables in my life. You are allowed unlimited so instead of eating the food I will just eat a bag of broccoli.

Last night I went to out to dinner with a friend and ordered salmon with a side of mashed potatoes and a glass of wine. I have never tasted anything more delicious. We then went to the Cheesecake Factory and shared a slice of Red Velvet cheesecake and I could have passed out from how deliriously happy I was. He must have thought I was crazy.

I am so excited that I am this size and the one thing that Nutrisystem did do was teach me portion control. Instead of getting a medium I get a small, etc. And I get full really quickly now. But I think this bird is ready to leave the nest. I am getting a facial tomorrow (my wonderful friend treated me after I house-sat for her) and after I am going to grocery shopping. What used to seem like the most annoying task in the world now seems so exciting. So many choices! I can not wait to marinate chicken tomorrow night. I want to lose one more size so I will just keep up the portion control and keep exercising. And going on beach walks or hikes doesn't even feel like exercise at all, it is fun. Even on my laziest of days I own a treadmill and have no excuse. Another great thing that works is if you can, do not eat after 7pm. I know once I start working again the hours might be crazy but I will just pre-plan and bring my dinner to work. So thank you Nutrisystem for everything but it's over.

And WHO is this?

2010-06-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

Today we had an amazing event at the shelter. 27 cats and dogs were adopted out! We have been decorating and cleaning all week so today it finally paid off. I can not say enough about adopting at a shelter. Please, please, please do. I would love to have a German Shepherd but I rent so I have two cats. Once I own a home I can not wait to have dogs. One of my cats was a stray that is now 11 and another a 3 year old shelter rescue a year ago. He started off nuts and crazy. Now he is lazy, sweet and fat.

Cure For A Bad Day

2010-06-18T01:20:00.000-07:00

When life gives you lemons find something funny and laugh your ass off. These videos work miracles on a bad day. Oldies but goodies.

Another way to get out of a funk is to make a list of worst case scenarios that are ridiculous. A friend of mine was not having the best day either and we decided that on days where something bad happens we are going to refer to that list. For example, you didn't get that job or a guy is an asshole to you and you are upset. Look at your list now. At the top of mine "You are pregnant by a one night stand that you do not recall." You will instantly feel better. That would be much worse! By the end of making up some of these we were laughing so hard what had seemed to be so horrible earlier seemed to not be such a big deal anymore. It works! Try it!

And The Academy Award Goes To...

2010-06-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

I have long considered going off Facebook. I have taken the weekly breaks from it but sadly my Blackberry is my reminder that it is there. And I have found great friends from long ago and love catching up. I love seeing the funny status updates and it is a great way to keep in contact with people that I do not actually want to call. But I have noticed an increase in the dramatic updates and this is irritating. Some have just put the ): as their status. Need attention much? I mean come on. Others have a "big secret!" but never say what it is. Fun. So we are left to guess.

I do not log into Facebook to hear about some horrible thing or some strange sad face. But then again, I am not a public person. My mother gave me some great advice at a young age. "Do not ever tell everyone your personal problems because a. they have their own and b. they don't care" She was talking about the public in general not friends. And we do tend to do this. How many time have you been almost ready to cry and someone asks "How are you?" and you say "Fine". And how annoyed were you when you asked a random person the same and they launched into their life story.

I deal with horror with humor. I would never in a thousand years make my status something horrific that is actually going on. Facebook is supposed to be a refuge from life like a bar or calling that guy that is always so flattering but you have no interest in.

Expiration Dates?

2010-06-16T01:53:00.000-07:00

Between the chaos today I did manage to see 5 minutes of The Tyra Banks show where girls in their 20's were freaking out because they had set a goal to be married with children by the age of 30. One was crying because she was 28 with no husband in sight. I could quickly tell why but anyway I could not believe it. I have never set any sort of timeline for myself and am shocked that anyone would do that. What is the urgency?

If I get married it is because I am in love with the best guy in this world and if I have children it is because it was an accident (or planned) but I have never said to myself "OK, by 33 I need to be married and by 34 have a baby on the way" Why would you do that to yourself? Sometime before 40 would be great but I am not stressing on it.

First of all, how do you know if you are even going to meet the right person by that 30 year old "goal" age? I sure the hell did not. I still haven't. I realize that once women hit a certain age it is harder to have children (we are talking YEARS older) but for these girls to not even be 30 and be flipping out made me irritated.

Most of my friends are married and most do have children or have one on the way. I have thought a few times, huh, I wonder when I will do all of that, but have never even worried past the thought. It will happen when it happens. Its like at 30 we all turn into wretched pumpkins and have to select amongst the worst of the crop like beasts. I didn't (or else my friends are lying about my great skin and youthful appearance).

Just One of Those Days

2010-06-15T16:10:00.001-07:00

Wow. Have you ever had one of those days when you schedule yourself to the point of impossible? This morning I awoke to an 8am call with a job offer. I was told to stay awake to meet with someone later. I could not sleep last night because of the heat and my cat attacking me so I was going on maybe 4 hours but tried hard to stay awake. I made coffee, and went to sit on the couch and woke up two hours later, 15 minutes before my doctors apt. Being sweaty is never an option so I quickly showered and somehow made it, late but I made it. After meeting with the person I had to, I then had to hand out information for our pet event this weekend and now need to go the the shelter to finish decorating. I raced home because I had forgotten today is pay ever bill in the world day and am going to now shove some food down my throat. Between all of this everyone in the free world has called including a few people I haven't talked to in over a year. I would love to talk to all of them but the rushed conversation covering a year is not my forte. Have you ever wanted to take your phone and throw it out of your car window?

Love Tattoos

2010-06-14T21:41:00.000-07:00

There is just something not OK about someone getting the name of their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife tattooed on their body. I was with someone for almost 7 years and the thought never even crossed my mind. He asked once and I laughed and that was the end of it. I think we all winced when Heather on The Rock Of Love got Bret's name on her. "Noo!!" we all screamed at the TV. (or just me)

One thing in this life that is certain is that the future is not. Yes there is tattoo removal but I have heard this is painful so unless you plan on dating someone with the same name over and over, love tattoos are just not good. I love tattoos and have one but rest assured unless it is Mark Wahlberg (I've really been out of control on him lately and if this were to ever happen would immediately get a huge "Marky Mark Forever" one across my body) no names. There are plenty of other ways to show your loved one that you are committed other than having their name scrawled next to your vajayjay.

Ross is Hell on Earth

2010-06-11T14:49:00.000-07:00

About a year ago I started having panic attacks. I can pinpoint the reasons (although I pay a therapist $150 a shot to tell them to me again). I was under a lot of stress,etc. Anyway, these have gotten much better but I still get the wonderful claustrophobia that came with it from time to time. Luckily not often anymore. I tend to avoid places where I know it could happen, like crowded areas, suffocating clubs, closed in spaces that are hot, etc. My therapist recommended the "fight" approach which is basically where I just go sit in the middle of a crowded theater or stadium and don't move. And I'm thinking "so when I pass out you will come get me?" How much will that cost?

I decided I finally wanted to kick this damn claustrophobia thing once and for all. I hate having a weakness and I am a pretty strong girl. I really wanted to see Sex in the City 2 and braved it on my own last weekend. It was a really hot day but luckily the theater was nice and cold and I got a seat on the end but it was up high and I started feeling anxious. All of those racing thoughts went through my head. What if I had to leave but couldn't move? What if I felt sick? What if I passed out? In reality, you will never pass out from a panic attack you just feel really light headed and nauseous and once it passes you realize how silly you were being. I got up once and went outside for a minute and just sat there. I decided, no, I want to see this and I am going to get through this and I went back in and sat down and made it through the whole movie and loved it.

With that said I was so proud of myself. I definitely have always been one of those people that when the tough gets going I rise to the occasion and that proved I could get through anything if I really needed/wanted to. UNTIL TODAY

I had to go to Ross today. I hate Ross. I always have long before the panic stuff. It's always 30 degrees hotter in there, everything is pushed together in a tight area and I can never find anything. I just wander around like a lost senior citizen until I feel sick and need to leave. Once in a desperate attempt to find something I left in such a hurry I didn't realize it was a maternity top with shoulder pads. Everything is always broken and you never realize it until you take that sip of wine and get a chunk of glass in your mouth. Anyway, the lighting is very 7-11 and everything about it gives me the hives. I have heard there are plenty of great "finds" at Ross but I guarantee I will never be able to have the tolerance to uncover those hidden treasures in the racks from Satan. I needed something specific so I had to go.

I parked the car and breathed deeply when I saw the sign. There it was. I walked in and instantly started sweating. As usual, I couldn't find what I was looking for and started circling like an idiot. Everything looked the same. The lights were bright and it was so hot. Finally I asked somebody who pointed me in the direction I needed to go. I grabbed what I needed and made a beeline to the register. The line was long and there was a baby crying. I wondered if I would make it out. I had to get this item so I just stood there and fixated on the man who looked miserable in front of me and wondered about what his life was like. Finally I was rung up and almost ran out of the doors into the sunlight. Victory! I was pleased that I did not have a full blown panic attack (a mini-one) and between the movie and this Ross thing I think I am finally beating it.

Great LA Animal Adoption Event Sat June 19th!

2010-06-09T18:32:00.001-07:00

On Saturday June 19th from 9a.m.- 2p.m: adoption fees are 50% off. If an adopter wants to adopt a second animal, Found Animals will pick up the tab. This can be any combination of animal (cat-cat, dog-cat, cat-rabbit, snake-snake…) they will pay for the animal of equal or lesser value.

From June 19th-September 30th: Found Animals will pay for the second cat if an adopter wants to take home any two cats at a single location. This is at all LA shelters!! PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD!

Wii Fit = Wii Chunk

2010-06-09T00:57:00.001-07:00

I have been pet-sitting for a friend for a few hours each day and she offered me the use of her Wii Fit. I love house sitting for her. Her apartment looks like a Spanish Villa with waterfalls and she gets Bravo. Last time I house sat I was able to catch up on the entire season of Real Housewives of Somewhere. I think it was New Jersey.

Anyway, I have a Wii but not the Wii Fit. When it first came out Best Buy was sold out of it in an hour. I decided to wait and as usual chalked it up to another "I really need this right now but will forget about it in a month" purchase. Which I had. Yesterday I eyed it from her couch. But it was really hot and I was exhausted from the weekend and not in the mood to really move. I watched a few episodes of Family Guy, made sure her pets were in and called it a night.

Today I once again went to sprawl on the couch but then I decided that I had to try it. I tried to close her curtains but they are tied back so I couldn't. I figured that her good looking neighbor was employed and hopefully at work. The worst part was the beginning. I was so excited this morning when I put on my black shorts that I have not been able to fit into for a year! But then the Wii Fit asked for my height and took my weight and I was in the chunk zone. Even my avatar looked like a little chunk. I did every single routine and although I had some difficulty with the bird one (I flapped my wings way too hard or something and could never get close to the ground or "targets" or whatever those were) I loved it. I sucked at the golf but really liked the skiing. The running was fun but they should make it longer. And if the neighbor had been watching that is where I would have looked schizo running in circles around the living room. Actually no, the hula hooping would have been way worse just thrusting myself at the TV for 5 minutes. So anyway, I did enjoy it, I might do it again, but no, probably not buying it. I was sweaty but not the kind of sweaty where you can't go grocery shopping afterward.

How To Get Out Of A Bad Date

2010-06-05T13:08:00.000-07:00

With new dates on the horizon I need an exit plan aside from that obvious "friend calling with emergency" route. Here are a few ways to get out of a date politely that is going really badly.

1. If at a nice restaurant when the waiter starts talking about the special, once they mention the "reduction sauce" immediately look horrified and say "Does that mean it's small, because I can eat like a man. Don't go cheap on me" and then wink.
2. Everytime the guy brings up something annoying or just lame answer everything with a sad ex boyfriend reference and look off. For Example, Guy: I work out at least twice a day. You: Paul used to work out...(then look off, if you can work up a tear do it)
3. Allude to children that you have but do not ever admit to actually having them. Mention that you have to get up early to take "Cindy to school" If he directly asks if you have children look off and again if you can do the tear thing do it.
4. Talk about your cramps obsessively and go into great detail. Do this sooner than later if the guy is a real jerk.
5. Hit on the waiter. Guy or girl it doesn't matter. Everytime the waiter walks away make a HUGE point of staring at his/her ass and then sigh longingly.
6. When the drink list comes ask for a pitcher of beer and then ask the guy "What are you having?"
7. Text your friend to call from under the table and then answer and say "No way! I am not doing that for $50. You tell him $75!" Act upset for a second and then be normal again.
8. If all else fails yell "POLICE!" and then run out. (Do this out of town. You never want to pee in your own swimming pool)

Yes, these will all make you look crazy but guaranteed unless the guy is a real idiot should work.

Speed Dating

2010-06-04T16:04:00.000-07:00

The weight of the world was lifted today when I got that call saying my cat did not have cancer in the lab results. I cried with relief. Yeah!!!! So now that everything is wonderful again and all are doing well, I think its time to start taking care of me. I've been so focused on getting my career back and getting everything else back on track that I have let my dating life fall by the waste side. I keep living in past and can't seem to get unstuck. A great friend made me realize this morning that I have not been on a real date (well one, but the guy was an asshole and expected something just because he paid for dinner) or even liked anyone in months and this is not healthy. I have self sabatoged anything good that has come along because I felt I wasn't ready yet to let someone into my safe "i don't want to be hurt" world. As much as I love my girlfriends and guy friends there is something comforting about having that guy to call for a movie or dinner or just to hang out. This friend is coming into town next week and has signed us up for "speed dating" The thought of this is horrifying but the more I think about it, it sounds like fun. Time to get back on the horse. I can look for jobs AND date at the same time. I hear this can be done. Multi-tasking is my forte and it IS on my resume.